On Losing a Child... 20 Years Later

October 23, 1993, twenty years ago. We were excitedly planning the arrival of a baby, a brother or sister for 17 month old Nathan. Without going into all the details, I had a pregnancy complication that would recur in several other pregnancies. Despite all the best efforts, including emergency surgery in hope to prolong the pregnancy, at 18 weeks, I delivered our second child - a baby boy. We named him Andrew Stephen. I was not able to hold Andrew; I physically and emotionally did not have the strength. (Hemorrhaging following delivery sent me to the OR for hours and recuperating for weeks.) I remember those early hours and days as if I were watching someone else experience them. How much was morphine induced and how much was simply a God-given way to cope with the circumstances I know not.

Through the years, I have been reticent to share. Too difficult, painful, raw. Too personal. Too depressing. And, at times, simply because I didn't want to face the awkward silence that inevitably comes when someone doesn't know what to say. "How many children do you have?" "Five..." "Oh, what are their ages?" "...but four are already in Heaven." (Cue crickets.) Conversation killer. So, my standard answer, unless I know that they are sisters in grief, is usually: "One, Nathan. He's (filling in age, current activity, etc.)."

It hurts not to be able to freely say that I am the mother of five. However, I do understand that most people don't understand. Which is why I have felt pressed to finally share our story.

I want to let those who have walked this path know that they are not alone; to know that you will survive; to have hope that you will go on with living. To those who have no reference on what it is to lose a child, I hope to give a glimpse into the grief, thoughts, and feelings on losing a child. So often, we find we can identify and comfort those who have lost a parent or spouse; it may be difficult, but we can imagine and understand those losses. However, it is very difficult for someone to approach one who has lost a child because it is unimaginable.

The doctors and nurses were terrific, empathetic, and concerned. They moved me to a general ward floor instead of the recovering mother's floor so that I did not hear the cries of newborns as they were brought to their moms. They placed a card with a flower on it on my door. When I asked what it was for, the nurse quietly told me that it was to let the staff know that I had suffered a loss. This way they would have the appropriate demeanor as they entered. (She didn't say that, but that was the intent.) Finally, three or four days later, I was sent home with many booklets and pamphlets regarding grief and the loss of a child. "When you are up to it, they might be a help in some small way."

As the weeks went by, I began experiencing terrible, shooting pains in both my arms, so much so that I thought I was going insane. I finally picked up one of the booklets I was given. From it, I learned that I was experiencing a phenomenon called "empty arms syndrome." It was described as similar to an amputee patient feeling phantom pains in the limb that has been amputated. I wish I could find the booklet; several moves may have caused the misplacement or loss of it. There isn't much on the internet about empty arms syndrome. However, it is real.

Should you find yourself experiencing unexplained pain in your arms following a miscarriage or infant loss you may be experiencing empty arms syndrome. Many suggest holding or cuddling a pillow, stuffed animal, pet or, as I was able to do, my toddler. It took several weeks for it to subside. I then begged God to never let me have to experience that again. Unlike not holding Andrew, I was able to hold Caleb and Naomi, both second trimester babies, and did not experience empty arms syndrome. Even following my 10 week miscarriage, I did not experience the syndrome. Some things can't be explained; but, I know, God graciously answered that prayer.

If you have the chance to hold your baby, do. Take pictures. Keep the baby clothes they give you. Add their birthstone to a mother's ring, bracelet, or necklace. Remember your baby in some tangible way.

Losing a child is losing a part of your own self; a part of your future, or rather, what you thought your future to be. It is the loss of hopes and dreams for that child. Part of my grief are the missing faces in the photos. People say: "Oh, it's so good to have all the family together!" Although it is good to be with extended family, I see four little faces missing from around the table. No first words, first steps, first days of school, ball games, recitals, graduations, weddings, ... or perhaps, grandchildren. Holidays can be difficult because there are presents that aren't purchased, baskets not filled, valentine's not sent, birthdays not celebrated.

Mother's Day is extremely difficult for me, as it is for many mothers who have lost children to death or those who suffer from infertility. In the first years, tears would flow the day before, before church in the morning, during church, after church, nearly all weekend long. Nathan, now twenty-one, does a wonderful job of spoiling me, but there are still faces, hugs and kisses missed. Some years I just wish that day didn't come.

The Mother's Day following the death of our 17 day old preemie son, Caleb, our pastor realized that I was hurting terribly. The death of Caleb had affected many in our church as well. That Mother's Day morning, for the first time that I remember in any church that I had been a part, the pastor honored all moms who had lost children -- miscarriage to adult children. That meant a lot to me. I appreciated it because it acknowledged the lives of my babies.

Even twenty years later, tears still happen suddenly, without warning, without knowing or understanding what has triggered them, though it is not nearly as frequently as it once was. This is especially true around the birth, delivery, and death dates. Time, though, has helped; there are far less tearful bouts than there once was.

But, how do you continue on? How can you suffer loss of this magnitude and still go on?

The Great Comforter helps. He is the translator when I cry out in my prayers; when I don't know how to pray or what to pray. He is the One Who is there in my darkest hours -- in my tears, anger, depression, anguish, despair. He is the One Who carries me through, lifting me up when I cannot go another step. He is the One Who gently prods me to keep going. He is the One Who gives peace in an unexplainable way in the midst of an unfathomable despair.

What I do that helps me is read the Word. King David lost a child to sickness. He grieved himself sorely while the child was sick, so much so that his servants feared telling him when the child died. But, David sensed by the way his people were behaving that the child had died. When asked how he could pull himself together now at the death, David replied:

²² And he said, While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether God will be gracious to me, that the child may live? ²³ But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me. (2 Samuel 12:22-23)

I remember in the Word that Jesus was "acquainted with grief." Jesus was fully God, and, yet, He was also fully man. Jesus suffered grief. He knows the pain that it causes. Because of that, I know that when I cry out to Him with my questions, my anger, my depression, and all the other feelings that go along with grief... He knows. He understands.

That is how I view grief now: grief is an acquaintance. It is someone you know. You have had a shared event with them, but they are not someone that you constantly see. Grief isn't something that is always there, but I bump into it from time to time. Sometimes unexpectedly. Sometimes I see it coming. It is like living with a shadow. Shadows are not always present, but we know that they will appear.

The loss of a child is something that you carry all your remaining days. We must go on living, but we do not have to forget. When those tears come, let them fall in memorial to your child, cleansing away the hurt, the loss. It is okay.

When those feelings of loss surface, channel them for good to remember your child. Encouraging or helping others is a wonderful way to help yourself through bouts of grief. Donate toys or clothes to a women's shelter or a pregnancy center, make a Christmas shoebox, choose an angel from an angel tree, send a birthday box to missionary kids, surprise a Sunday school class with ice cream coupons. {Or agree to make 'n' take 10 personal pans of brownies for Nathan and his college friends when we go visit for Thanksgiving! :-) } And, when you feel you have an opportunity to share their short life with another, do so.

The doctors have since told us that I should never have carried Nathan to term. He is our miracle. Little did we know when we named him how appropriate it would be: Nathan - "a gift," Paul - "small." He most definitely is our small gift from the Lord, our blessing. But, I do miss my other children. However, I have a great hope because I know that I will see them one day. There's a saying: Having a child is like having a piece of your heart walking around outside you. Four pieces of my heart are running streets of gold right now. Their little lives were short, but they made a huge impact on this world, on my world. I love you Andrew Stephen (20, 18 week delivery), Caleb James "C.J." (16, born at 24 weeks, died at 17 days old), Gabriel (15, 10 week miscarriage), and sweet Naomi Grace, (14, 23 week delivery).  

I am including links to other posts that may help those suffering loss and those who minister to those suffering loss:

What Causes Grief?

The Stages of Grief

The Reality of Depression and Its Signs

When You Don't Know What to Say... by Cary Schmidt

The Reality of Depression and Its Signs

In Christian circles we tend to shun speaking about depression. Often it is seen as spiritual weakness or a "sin problem." It is neither; however, depression could develop into one or the other if not treated and overcome. Depression is a normal emotional response when faced with loss or trying circumstances. Depression can be caused by severe exhaustion or burnout. The problem comes when the individual seems to become "stuck" in a state of depression.

We often see people become overwhelmed with a series of trials, both large and small, compounding the normal response. In two decades of working in ministry, I have seen and heard of many pastors or other Christian leaders who have simply quit ministry, depressed and discouraged, because there were simply so many crises, so many fires to put out, so many hurts, that they could not keep up. Some fell into depression because of one major event, either personally or ministerially. Some went even further and committed suicide. Why? They didn't have the encouragement and support they needed.

But, they are pastors; they are Christians. They should be able to handle it.

A family losing a child is a great trial, a tremendous grief. This family made a significant ministry change and move two years later. They then had several job changes and another move to a different part of town. Additional stress came when Mom became pregnant and placed on bed rest. Unfortunately, all measures the doctors attempted could not help her carry the baby to term. She delivered at 24 weeks. They spent 17 days traveling to and from the hospital NICU to see their baby, waited anxiously during surgery on a heart smaller than your thumb nail, only to have him die in their arms on day 17. The next year she miscarried; he was laid off three times in six months. The following year she again followed her doctors recommendations of surgery and bed rest, only to have their baby girl at 23 weeks. Three infant losses in three years; four infant losses in six years. More lay offs and job changes - including Dad working three jobs a day just to meet the bills; another move across town. Ministry hiccups, disappointments, hurts and betrayals came as well during this time.

All these things occurred over 12 years, most during an 7 year span.

It was in the midst of all this that I found myself in serious trouble. It was not a lack of faith on my part. I was in the Word; I was praying. I was serving in choir, Children's Church and any other area asked. But, I still was in a desert with no oasis in sight.

Professionals might call this complicated grief - the inability to move on from one loss. I call what happened compounded grief, compounded depression. There wasn't a chance to come up for air because there was one loss or stress taking place right after another.

I knew that I needed help when I contemplated taking a bottle of pills. It was by God's grace that I did not. Additionally, I did not want my young son to be the one to find me. It was in the midst of an argument, a rage on my part, that I finally blurted this out to my husband who insisted that I go see a doctor. I did.

I told the doctor I felt like I was at the "kill or be killed" stage. She ran tests and put me on hormonal therapy. Within a month, I was a different person; I physically felt the difference. It was only then that I was able to begin to deal with and heal from all those stressors.

How did it get so far? Why didn't anyone see what was happening?

I think there are two reasons. First, being a ministry wife, I'm not supposed to have feelings like this. I'm supposed to be strong, to be the example of how to handle life's problems, disappointments, griefs. So, I hid it. I played the role that was expected of me. I succumbed to the potential stigma. I didn't feel I had anyone I could talk to without judgment, to talk to freely. Which brings me to the second reason: no one noticed. No one asked how I was doing. And, if they did, they did not push to help. I really think it boiled down to that they didn't see the signs.

One of the keys to healing from depression is to recognize the signs of depression. It was because I did recognize that I was in trouble, and finally told someone, that I was able to heal. Keep in mind, depression is a part of grieving. That is not the problem. It is when someone remains in a state of depression for a prolonged period of time that they may have crossed over to clinical depression. The signs listed here are for watching for clinical depression, the inability to move on and heal from a grief causing event.

• Persistent sad, empty, or numb feelings. Blank stares, loss of interest in life or things they once enjoyed. The inability to recognize happiness. 
• Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, helplessness. Persistent pessimism. Inability to see the bright side; to see another way. Blames themselves for what happened (anger turned inward). May fixate on past mistakes. May feel no one cares.
• Increased agitation or restlessness. Easily irritated, even over small matters. Quick to anger. Hand wringing, pacing. Inability to sit still.
• Fatigue, decreased energy. Inability to finish projects or lists as before. May feel unproductive. Slowed thinking, speaking, or movements. Much effort given to the simplest tasks.
• Loss of interest in activities, hobbies, etc. that were once enjoyed. May stop visiting family, decline invitations. May stop participating in hobbies such as reading, crafting, clubs or sports.
• Difficulty remembering details, focusing or concentrating. Mental "fog." Taking a long time to complete a complicated process. Forgetting appointments, names, etc. Indecisive. Easily distracted.
• Physical signs: sleeping too much or too little (insomnia); overeating or loss of appetite; persistent pain, headaches, stomach issues that do not resolve despite treatment.
• Thoughts of death or suicide. Direct statements might include: "I wish I were dead." "I want to end it all." Indirect statements might include: "You'd be better off without me." "I can't go on." "Soon, I won't be around anymore."

The person experiencing clinical depression may not be aware of what is happening to them. It is important to be mindful of the above signs and act to help the person. Depression is one of the most common factors associated with suicide.

If you or someone you know experiences two or more of the above symptoms more often than not for more than two weeks, you or they may be experiencing clinical depression. A "depression quiz" is available here at the Meier Clinic website.

Where can you find help? Begin by talking with a friend or family member, your pastor or a Christian mentor. A medical doctor should also be consulted to check for chemical or hormonal imbalances or other possible physiological causes.

For me, I needed a medical doctor to determine that I was suffering from a hormonal imbalance before I could move on in order to heal.

Depression tends to bring about a spiritual stigma. It shouldn't. Elijah, King David, Job, Jeremiah, Jonah, and Paul are only a few in the Bible who experienced various degrees of depression. It is how we deal with depression that makes all the difference.

Not all those who suffer from depression do so because of a "sin problem." Depression is a natural response to overwhelming situations and, occasionally, from sheer exhaustion. The longer a person stays in a state of depression, however, it can lead to spiritual weakness which may further complicate the situation.

I encourage you to seek the help of your pastor and doctor to help you. If you simply do not feel comfortable with those resources, the Meier Clinic provides a whole body approach to counseling which will deal with physical causes as well as emotional and spiritual causes. Another excellent resource for locating a Christian counselor is the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors.

Finally, let me encourage anyone in ministry who finds themselves, a family member or, perhaps, the entire family in a situation where you need counseling care to please seek help. Our ministry, Hold Fast the Truth, is completely based on anonymity for any pastor or ministry leader that contacts us, regardless the need. If you need help, but do not know where to turn, please do not hesitate to contact my husband, Evangelist Dan Woltmann, through our ministry website, churchhelps.org. We will do all we can to match you with the help that you need.

No words can express how much the world owes to sorrow. Most of the Psalms were born in the wilderness. Most of the Epistles were written in a prison. The greatest thoughts of the greatest thinkers have all passed through fire. The greatest poets have “learned in suffering what they taught in song.” In bonds Bunyan lived the allegory that he afterwards wrote, and we may thank Bedford Jail for the Pilgrim’s Progress. Take comfort, afflicted Christian! When God is about to make pre-eminent use of a person, He put them in the fire. -- George MacDonald

I am including links to other posts that may help those suffering loss and those who minister to those suffering loss:

On Losing a Child... Twenty Years Later

What Causes Grief?

The Stages of Grief

When You Don't Know What to Say... by Cary Schmidt

The Stages of Grief

No one is immune from the effects of death. Family, friends, co-workers, even an entire community can be affected by the loss of one person. The closer in relationship to the deceased, the more stages of grief you will feel and the longer it will take to go through them. It is important that we are familiar with these stages, not so that we can check them off a list as they occur, but to know that these stages are normal responses. The danger comes when someone seems to get "stuck" on a particular stage causing them to be unable to move forward.

The stages of grief are not a checklist nor will they necessarily occur in order, or in the same order, for each individual. Some may vacillate between several for a while; others may repeat stages. There is no real time frame for "when it will all be over," either. However, it is recommended to not make major decisions for at least a year following the death of someone very close to you.

Most counselors recognize five stages of grief. These are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

1. Denial. This is the initial stage. There is shock and disbelief as we first learn of the news. People may initially feel numb. "Why is this happening?" "You must be wrong." "I don't believe it." Denial is a buffer zone, a self-defense, for our minds to be able to slow down and process the information that is coming in. It is important to not sugar-coat necessary information. Speak the truth, but with love and compassion. While those facing the news of the death of a loved one will more quickly accept the news, those facing the news of a terminal illness may attempt to ignore the diagnosis, pushing off decisions that need to be made.
2. Anger. In this stage, the individual may express his anger in outward ways. Shouting, throwing things, and verbal attacks are good examples. Blame may be placed on people - the doctors, the person who died, those that were with their loved one, even God. Many people turn their anger inward which is known as guilt. "I should have seen the signs." "If only I had,...." Guilt may also occur if the person is angry at the deceased. "Why did you leave me?" When dealing with someone in the anger stage it is important to not take it personally should the anger and rage be turned on you. Try to remain non-judgmental.
3. Bargaining. An individual may try to reach a deal for a different outcome. "I'll do anything..." "I'll give my life, money, etc." There may also be statements of "If only..." The person may secretly try to bargain with God to change the outcome. Bargaining is another defense mechanism in order to help come to acceptance.
4. Depression. Loneliness, hopelessness, utter sadness, fear, regret. "Why bother..." "I can't go on." A person may refuse visitors, may spend most of their time in tears, and may not be able to function in their normal routine. These are all a part of depression. We must understand that the depression that occurs following a loss is not the same as clinical depression. However, it is important to note that those who seem to stay in this stage too long may have slipped into clinical depression which may warrant intervention. Remember, though, there is not a time frame to go through the depression stage. Once someone reaches this stage they are beginning to accept the new reality.
5. Acceptance. Those who reach this stage are not "cured." They simply have come to the place where they can move on with life. While the grief over the loss of their loved one will always be with them, they can now pick up and adjust to life without them. 

Not everyone who experiences a loss is able to move on to acceptance. Some remain in the anger, bargaining, or depression stage indefinitely. Those who seem "stuck" may need additional counseling or more support from those around them. Those who attend church may want to speak with their pastor for help in this area. There are also numerous support groups consisting of individuals who have suffered similar loss available today. GriefShare is one such group that deals specifically with those who have suffered the death of a spouse, child, family member or friend.

Again, these "stages" are not check marks on a check list. Once you have "gone through them all" does not mean you have completely healed. Grief is a life long journey; it may appear at any time, without warning, throughout your lifetime. A good illustration is that of recuperating from an injury. While the injury may have healed, pain from it may occur without warning; it is a weak place in the body susceptible to recurrences. All of us at one time or another will experience grief. The important thing to remember is that it is normal.

I am including links to other posts that may help those suffering loss and those who minister to those suffering loss:

What Causes Grief?

On Losing a Child... Twenty Years Later

The Reality of Depression and Its Signs

When You Don't Know What to Say... by Cary Schmidt

What Causes Grief?

Often we may think that only death causes grief. This simply is not true. Grief can be experienced on many different levels for a variety of reasons.

Life changes.

• Death of a spouse.
• Death of a parent.
• Miscarriage or the death of a child.
• Giving a child up for adoption.
• Moving. Particularly difficult for children, first-year college students, newly marrieds, and the elderly.
• Death of a pet.

Relationships.

• Dating break-up, particularly if it was a long relationship.
• Marriage. Some people feel loss because their relationship has changed which may bring changes with other relationships. Some may feel a loss of independent decision making.
• Birth of a child. Some feel a loss of independent decision making. Some resent lifestyle changes.
• Divorce and separation. Not only are the adults affected, but the children and extended family are affected.
• Empty-nesting. When a child leaves home, many parents experience varying levels of grief.
• A way-ward child.
• Friendships. Sometimes friendships end, whether due to arguments or geographical changes.

Health. (These may affect not only the patient but also those that love them and will be caregivers.)

• Diagnosis of a chronic or terminal illness, whether personally or that of a loved one.
• Diagnosis of a disorder or medical condition of a child that would cause life-long care, and the loss of the life the parents had hoped for their child.
• Diagnosis of infertility.
• Personal injury resulting in drastic lifestyle changes and disability.
• Personal injury resulting in temporary changes.
• Aging. Some grieve the loss of strength, loss of physical appearance or independence.

Work or School.

• Failing an exam or failure in a project.
• Loss of position or promotion.
• Increase in work load or responsibility.
• Change of job or school.
• Graduation.
• Job loss.
• Retirement.

Other forms of change.

• An act of violence.
• Loss of home or possessions due to natural disaster or accident.
• Financial loss due to national economic collapse, stock market crash, banking issues, etc.
• Change in habits or lifestyle such as quitting smoking, changing diet for health reasons, cutting back spending due to economic loss, etc.

You may look at the lists above and think that some of them are a bit "over reaching" in describing them as "grief-causers." We need to remember that each person is different and, therefore, will respond to the above situations in their own way.

For example, a week or so after Nathan graduated from Kindergarten, he broke out in hives. Although we tried to rule out anything and everything, the hives persisted through over the counter treatment. We took him to the doctor. She checked him and took a history. She asked if he had just graduated from Kindergarten. We said yes. She told us that many times children have difficulty changing their routines, especially when they know that they would not be returning to what they knew as "normal." The hives, in this case, were the physical way to express what he could not express verbally. She gave him some medicine to deal with the hives and encouraged us to keep him talking about the changes and what to expect in the future. {We were switching to homeschooling.} In a way, it was part of his grieving the loss of what he knew.

When we hear of someone experiencing any of the above situations, remember to encourage them. Send a card, make a phone call, buy a bag of groceries, send a pizza (pre-paid, of course!), offer child care -- there are so many things that we can do to help and encourage someone who is suffering from a grief-causing situation.

I am including links to other posts that may help those suffering loss and those who minister to those suffering loss:

On Losing a Child... Twenty Years Later

The Stages of Grief

The Reality of Depression and Its Signs

When You Don't Know What to Say... by Cary Schmidt

Preparing MOM for College

Ah, Spring! It’s almost here. Birds chirping, fresh green leaves on the trees, fuzzy chicks, ducks, and bunnies everywhere. The beginning of so many things -- new growth, new births -- newness abounds.

Unless you are the mother of a high school senior. In this case, it is the “lasts” of things. Our focus is on the never again’s. The last ball game. The last report card. The last prom. The last concert. The last recital. As the days of April and May speed by so do the “lasts”.

Psst. Mom. From a mom who has been there, it WILL be okay. Tears are going to come. Let them. Let your kid see them. Just keep boxes of tissues everywhere you may find yourself – the car, the sofa, by the bed, in your purse, at your desk, etc. But, do one thing for me, for them. Change the attitude. Do not allow yourself to focus on the sad tears of it all being over. Instead, let the tears fall as happy tears of what has been accomplished. Your child has accomplished a great deal. Twelve years of education (13 or 14 depending on kindergarten)! You have accomplished something. You have reared a child to adulthood! CeLeBrAtE!!

In August or September, many new, young adults will head off to college (some to military service)… and leave mom at home. In September, 2010 I was that mom. Not only did he leave me at home, he left us an empty nest. At the ripe “old” age of 42, my husband and I found ourselves empty-nesters. But for us, we realized it before it was to be a shock. And we prepared. So, Mom, let me share my infinite wisdom on this matter. Well, maybe, not infinite, just what helped us with the transition.

When the Young Man began 9^th grade, the first year of high school, I had the “light-bulb moment” that he would be graduating in four years. Four years is not a long time. Four years before he had been in 5^th grade. Now he’s in 9^th? How did that happen? I also realized that would mean a BIG change in our house. No more kids at home!!! Woo Hoo! {Trust me, you will embrace that eventually. :-)}

In all seriousness, I was concerned. I was a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom who only worked outside of the home a total of one year or so up until then. Although I had a teaching degree, I did not see myself going back into the classroom. I also knew that many mothers do not handle this transition well. At all. I didn’t want to be one of “those” mothers. What was a girl to do? We began thinking about it, off and on, for the next several years, came up with a “plan” and began preparing ourselves for the “just us” days.

1.   Land the helicopter. Maybe you have heard of the term “helicopter parent”. If not, briefly explained, it is over-parenting. It is a parent who pays extremely close attention to their child's experiences and problems. These parents intervene with peers, teachers, coaches, administrators, and in some cases, bosses, if they feel their child is not treated fairly. They are very overprotective; they would prefer their child not face any adversity, have any hurts. This is not healthy. Children and teens who do not learn how to take up for themselves become adults who cannot take care of themselves. Your role as a parent will change from dictator to that of advisory council when your child leaves the nest. Begin at every opportunity possible when they are children and teens to advise them without interfering. In other words, unless it is a matter of safety, let them fight their own battles.

2.   Prepare for the change in family dynamics. Just as your family dynamics changed as you added each child, they will change again as each child leaves the nest. In our case, we went from a family of three to a family of two in one fell swoop. It was an adjustment to cook for two again; cooking for a teenage boy is like cooking for five. House chores were different. Laundry for two doesn’t take as long as for three. The family calendar cleared dramatically. Many adjustments were made on the home front. If you have more children at home, life will be different. Prepare for those changes just as you did when you added the baby.

3.   Prepare for the silence. This is especially true if this is an only child or your last one at home. When they go off for a week of camp, don’t go with them as the chap. While they are gone, take a day and turn off all appliances and noise makers. Hear that? Yep. That is the sound of silence. Embrace it. It is not the enemy. I have found that my 45 year old brain relishes the peace and calmness of that silence. This has been a time of great spiritual growth, self-discovery, and of picking up dreams put aside when the child came along. It is a new season of life, a new beginning for me as well.

4.   Plan for a “new” you. What are you going to do with all the extra time? That was the question I asked myself. Make a list of hobbies you might like to try… crochet, knitting, painting, etc. What volunteer opportunities are available for you in your area? Church? Retirement home? Hospital? If you have always been a stay at home mom, you may want to consider getting a job. Update your work skills. Take classes. Change careers if you have been at the same occupation for a time. I believe that all of us have a secret dream of some sort. What is yours? Why not use this time to do something about it?

5.   Not all the sadness is because the child has left the nest. One aspect that many moms do not consider is that there are serious hormonal changes taking place in our bodies as our children leave the nest. Whether peri-menopause or menopause, these changes wreck havoc with us physically and emotionally. As we would recommend a new mom to have her hormones checked for post-partum depression, it might be a good idea to have your hormones checked during the emptying of the nest as well. Extreme fatigue, sadness, and even depression could be signs that hormonal changes are taking place on top of the emotions you are feeling as your child leaves home.

6.   If you haven’t learned it yet, learn to say NO. When your child calls home homesick, upset, and otherwise ready to come home, say, “No.” It isn’t easy, especially when they are crying. Your heart will break. You will cry when you hang up the phone. But be strong… for them. Because when you can encourage them through this inevitable aspect of leaving home for an extended period, you will teach them to be strong. You can ask our Young Man. He knew BEFORE we left him at college that quitting was not an option. Still, he called. Still, he asked, prefacing it with, “I know, I know, I can’t come home, but…” And today, he is ever grateful that we pushed him to push through.

7.   Prepare to hear the words, “I wish I had listened,” or “You were right.” YES!! It is TRUE!! It makes those junior high and high school years worth it… well, maybe not worth it, but at least you now will feel appreciated. That first semester or two these words were sweeter to my ears than, “I love you, Mom.” Hang in there, mom.

8.   Prepare for the retirement years. Yes, that’s right, and I don't mean financially. The fastest growing segment of population heading to divorce court is that of the retiree. Why? Well, after the nest empties, the Mrs. has her routine, the Mr. went off to work with his routine. They saw one another only a few hours a day. THEN… retirement. The Mr. is now home all.the.time! Where is the Mrs.'s peace and quiet that she learned to embrace once the kids left? If you have not been in the habit of a date night, start one. Run errands together. Take weekends away. Take vacations together. Make out on the couch… remember, NO KIDS to say, “Ewww!” No more worries about having to lock doors (wink, wink). Stay connected with your husband. Don’t allow your relationship to drift apart searching for something to keep you occupied after the kids leave the nest.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

What is the purpose of parenting? It is to “train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6) We are to teach our children to leave our nest to go start their own. We are to teach our children to serve God. If we have followed God’s Word in the area of equipping them in God’s Word then we have done well. This is a new season for all, both parent and child. God has a purpose. Rest in that purpose.

All Eyes Here

"The attitude you have as a parent is what your kids will learn from more than what you tell them. They don't remember what you try to teach them.

They remember what you are."
~ Jim Henson

Wise to remember that adult children will also watch "what you are" as well... even though they think they are being "independent", they invariably imitate your attitudes, pick up your offenses, and repeat what you say.

The Apron

Entering this new phase of my life has caused me to re-examine the phrase "cutting the apron strings."  Those who still have children at home ask if I am alright or if I am "okay with it" I suppose in trying to understand how they are going to feel when their children leave the nest.  I imagine that there is a bit of fear of the future as well as the stereotypical "moms who have fallen apart" that they are hoping does not happen to them.  Those who have children who are out on their own, however, respond in two different ways.  The first, and quite frankly the majority, is to commiserate how horrible it is that our children have left home, how lonely it is, how difficult it is and tell me of all the things I should do in order to "keep a strong" relationship with my child.  The second, and much smaller, group asks what my plans are now that I have time for myself:  what hobbies am I beginning, what work projects do I have planned, or "what are you going to do with his room?"  Clearly one group has adjusted well to the transition and the other simply cannot let go. 

Aprons are not as popular as they once were.  We've all seen the TV shows from the 50's and 60's -- Leave It To Beaver, Father Knows Best, etc. -- with the mothers looking their finest at all hours of the day, wearing their trusty aprons.  In Little House on the Prairie, Ma used her apron to carry things, wipe dirty faces, protect her clothing, or provide a hiding place for a shy daughter.  In our symbolic "apron" of parenting, we do many of the same things that the trusty apron did for those TV moms.  We help our children with school projects, clean and clothe them, protect and hide them from the harshness of the world.  However, we forget that when the work was done, those hard working mothers took off their aprons.  She untied the apron strings and either hung up or laid down that apron.  It was ready for the next time she was summoned to work.

That phrase "cutting the apron strings" would not have served the TV mom well.  If the TV mom had cut the apron strings it would not have been ready for work the next time she needed it.  She would have to take time to repair the damage.  If she was a skillful seamstress she could repair the cut, but the ties would never be as strong as they could have been if she had simply untied the strings.  If the ties were tied too tight when the apron was needed again, the potential for damage or failure would be great.

I have watched over the years parents who seem to have tied the apron strings a bit too tight. These were the parents who stayed up at night finishing the child's school project so the child could sleep, who bribed their children with cold hard cash to not go to camp, who did not teach their children to do household chores, or who asked for the rules to be bent or changed altogether in order to suit their child (or more specifically, the parent!).  There are usually one of two endings to this sad story.  The first is that the parent controlled and manipulated the child's life so much that the young adult is crippled and unable to stand on his own two feet with confidence.  Then there are parents who later ask, "I don't understand.  We raised them 'right'. We taught them 'right'.  We had them in church. Why don't they 'love' me?"  The second ending is that the parents held on too tight and the child has cut the apron strings, severing the relationship that the parent wrongly thought they controlled.

Proverbs 22:6 has been before me since I was 4 years old.  It was the theme verse for our Christian school and emblazoned on school walls, plaques, yearbooks and book covers. "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."  I know that my husband and I have taught Nathan well in these last 18 years.  He is a legal adult now, held responsible by the government, employers and soon his college.  For all intents and purposes, my parenting days are done.  My apron is being untied by me. The apron is being laid aside until it is is called into action by Nathan's request, not by mine.  The days of freely dispensing advise is over.  Now, I must restrain myself to wait until called upon.  I know that my apron strings are sure, strong, intact and ready to go at a moments notice.  How's your apron holding up?

Until next time....

P.S.  I am going to be blogging a bit on the "empty nest" for awhile.  I realized yesterday when I dropped Nathan off for 2 weeks of camp that there are many misconceptions, wrong thinking, etc. regarding the empty nest after I was asked (once again) was I "okay" with him being gone so long.  I promise to be honest about the emotions.  And, yes, I have cried myself to sleep a few times in the last year as we approached graduation.  From what I have been able to research that is "normal" behavior so I'm not too worried about it.  But, I would never want my emotions to cloud Nathan's ability to make the decisions for his life that I know he needs to make for himself. So, if you still have kids at home or you are having difficulty letting go of your kids or have parents who won't quite let you go, stay tuned.  We'll see what God's Word says about parenting as well as try to provide some tips for preparing for the inevitable.

Purposeful Parenting

This weekend marked a milestone in our family -- Nathan graduated from high school!  Not only is this a great accomplishment for him, but it marks the end of my portion of his education.  We have home schooled since 1st grade.  Thus, I am now without a job.  We are so proud of him!  In September he will be heading off to a Christian college to further his education and he is already talking about a Master's degree following the undergrad degree.  We couldn't be happier!!

However, the reactions and responses I have been receiving from other people during this time of transition have me wondering if there is something wrong with me.  Should I be lining up prescriptions of anti-depressants and reserving a spot in the funny farm for September?  You would think so according to these statements:  "You will miss him when he goes off to college."  "How are you going to handle an empty nest?"  This was in response to my statement, "No, we aren't sad.  This is what we have been training him to do -- to be independent."  To which was replied, "No, you will be sad.  It will be hard.  It will be the hardest thing you ever do."  (The words in print do not do justice to the expression or the tone in which they were given.)  What's the deal?

I suppose I come from a completely different perspective.  I began letting go of Nathan hours after he was born.  Dan had gone home to shower and rest.  I had just been moved from the birthing room to the recovery hall.  The nurse brought Nathan to me for the first time since he had been born.  It was just me and Nate.  Now my experience with newborns was limited; I had spent several summers working day care including the nursery, but not with newborns.  So, I was a little surprised when that wiggling bundle lifted his head off my shoulder, turned his head, and "looked" at me as if to say, "Who are you?!? Where am I??", then dropped his cone-shaped head back on my shoulder.  Newborns aren't supposed to lift their heads, are they?  Even though I had promised God on my wedding night He could have any children He may give us for His service, I prayed a different prayer at this time.  I immediately realized that Nathan was already exerting his independence at only hours into his life.  While I would be spending the next months and years, doing things for him and of "being in control", I really wasn't "in control", God was.  Nathan was and is His creation.  God is the One Who orders his steps regardless of what I want.  We have practiced purposeful parenting in helping Nathan to realize that the right and Biblical thing for him to do IS to leave home so he can serve God... wherever that may take him.

When I was told that sending Nathan off to college was going to be "hard", I have to admit I really bristled.  Hard is burying your babies six feet in the ground.  Hard is never hearing that first cry, the first words.  Hard is not seeing the first steps, the first bike ride or the excitement from passing the driving test the first time out.  Hard is the birthday and Christmas presents that are never bought, the Easter baskets never put together or the family portraits with missing faces.  I know hard.  Those things I have had to relinquish in the too short lives of Andrew (1993), Caleb (1997), Gabriel (1998) and Naomi (1999).

No, sending Nathan off to college in September is not going to be hard for me.  Will I shed some tears?  You bet!!  I'm a natural born crier!  I cry at Hallmark card commercials, coffee commercials, happy movies, sad movies, songs; you name it, I cry.  It has gotten to the point that my family just goes ahead and hands me the tissue box; I'll probably need it at some point.  But the tears I shed will not be because I am sad or because I have regrets.  No, they will be happy tears.  You see, God has given me a tremendous blessing in this child.  Doctors have told me since the loss of my other children that I should have never carried Nathan to term -- he is a miracle!  I can't be sad; I have to celebrate the life of this son of mine.  I have to send him off into the world able to stand on his own two feet capable of making good and right decisions that not only will honor and respect us as his parents, but more importantly, that will honor and respect the God that has given him both physical and spiritual life.

Nathan, (if you decided to read this) my prayer for you is this:

Hear, O my son, and receive my sayings; and the years of thy life shall be many.  I have taught thee in the way of wisdom; I have led thee in right paths.  When though goest, thy steps shall not be straitened; and when thou runnest, thou shalt not stumble.  Take fast hold of instruction; let her not go: keep her; for she is thy life.  Proverbs 4:10-13

May each parent rear up their children with this prayer in mind.  Let go of your children when the time comes so that they can live lives that reflect the Savior.  Don't choke them with the apron strings.  Don't make demands upon them (visits, tokens, calls, living in the same town, etc.) that are simply to pacify your wants and desires.  Don't double-speak by training them to follow the will of God but be angry about it when the will of God takes them away to college, another town, state or country.  Be blessed in the knowledge that God has allowed you to have a part in their lives.  Now it is time for them to spread their wings and fly!!!