On Losing a Child... 20 Years Later

October 23, 1993, twenty years ago. We were excitedly planning the arrival of a baby, a brother or sister for 17 month old Nathan. Without going into all the details, I had a pregnancy complication that would recur in several other pregnancies. Despite all the best efforts, including emergency surgery in hope to prolong the pregnancy, at 18 weeks, I delivered our second child - a baby boy. We named him Andrew Stephen. I was not able to hold Andrew; I physically and emotionally did not have the strength. (Hemorrhaging following delivery sent me to the OR for hours and recuperating for weeks.) I remember those early hours and days as if I were watching someone else experience them. How much was morphine induced and how much was simply a God-given way to cope with the circumstances I know not.

Through the years, I have been reticent to share. Too difficult, painful, raw. Too personal. Too depressing. And, at times, simply because I didn't want to face the awkward silence that inevitably comes when someone doesn't know what to say. "How many children do you have?" "Five..." "Oh, what are their ages?" "...but four are already in Heaven." (Cue crickets.) Conversation killer. So, my standard answer, unless I know that they are sisters in grief, is usually: "One, Nathan. He's (filling in age, current activity, etc.)."

It hurts not to be able to freely say that I am the mother of five. However, I do understand that most people don't understand. Which is why I have felt pressed to finally share our story.

I want to let those who have walked this path know that they are not alone; to know that you will survive; to have hope that you will go on with living. To those who have no reference on what it is to lose a child, I hope to give a glimpse into the grief, thoughts, and feelings on losing a child. So often, we find we can identify and comfort those who have lost a parent or spouse; it may be difficult, but we can imagine and understand those losses. However, it is very difficult for someone to approach one who has lost a child because it is unimaginable.

The doctors and nurses were terrific, empathetic, and concerned. They moved me to a general ward floor instead of the recovering mother's floor so that I did not hear the cries of newborns as they were brought to their moms. They placed a card with a flower on it on my door. When I asked what it was for, the nurse quietly told me that it was to let the staff know that I had suffered a loss. This way they would have the appropriate demeanor as they entered. (She didn't say that, but that was the intent.) Finally, three or four days later, I was sent home with many booklets and pamphlets regarding grief and the loss of a child. "When you are up to it, they might be a help in some small way."

As the weeks went by, I began experiencing terrible, shooting pains in both my arms, so much so that I thought I was going insane. I finally picked up one of the booklets I was given. From it, I learned that I was experiencing a phenomenon called "empty arms syndrome." It was described as similar to an amputee patient feeling phantom pains in the limb that has been amputated. I wish I could find the booklet; several moves may have caused the misplacement or loss of it. There isn't much on the internet about empty arms syndrome. However, it is real.

Should you find yourself experiencing unexplained pain in your arms following a miscarriage or infant loss you may be experiencing empty arms syndrome. Many suggest holding or cuddling a pillow, stuffed animal, pet or, as I was able to do, my toddler. It took several weeks for it to subside. I then begged God to never let me have to experience that again. Unlike not holding Andrew, I was able to hold Caleb and Naomi, both second trimester babies, and did not experience empty arms syndrome. Even following my 10 week miscarriage, I did not experience the syndrome. Some things can't be explained; but, I know, God graciously answered that prayer.

If you have the chance to hold your baby, do. Take pictures. Keep the baby clothes they give you. Add their birthstone to a mother's ring, bracelet, or necklace. Remember your baby in some tangible way.

Losing a child is losing a part of your own self; a part of your future, or rather, what you thought your future to be. It is the loss of hopes and dreams for that child. Part of my grief are the missing faces in the photos. People say: "Oh, it's so good to have all the family together!" Although it is good to be with extended family, I see four little faces missing from around the table. No first words, first steps, first days of school, ball games, recitals, graduations, weddings, ... or perhaps, grandchildren. Holidays can be difficult because there are presents that aren't purchased, baskets not filled, valentine's not sent, birthdays not celebrated.

Mother's Day is extremely difficult for me, as it is for many mothers who have lost children to death or those who suffer from infertility. In the first years, tears would flow the day before, before church in the morning, during church, after church, nearly all weekend long. Nathan, now twenty-one, does a wonderful job of spoiling me, but there are still faces, hugs and kisses missed. Some years I just wish that day didn't come.

The Mother's Day following the death of our 17 day old preemie son, Caleb, our pastor realized that I was hurting terribly. The death of Caleb had affected many in our church as well. That Mother's Day morning, for the first time that I remember in any church that I had been a part, the pastor honored all moms who had lost children -- miscarriage to adult children. That meant a lot to me. I appreciated it because it acknowledged the lives of my babies.

Even twenty years later, tears still happen suddenly, without warning, without knowing or understanding what has triggered them, though it is not nearly as frequently as it once was. This is especially true around the birth, delivery, and death dates. Time, though, has helped; there are far less tearful bouts than there once was.

But, how do you continue on? How can you suffer loss of this magnitude and still go on?

The Great Comforter helps. He is the translator when I cry out in my prayers; when I don't know how to pray or what to pray. He is the One Who is there in my darkest hours -- in my tears, anger, depression, anguish, despair. He is the One Who carries me through, lifting me up when I cannot go another step. He is the One Who gently prods me to keep going. He is the One Who gives peace in an unexplainable way in the midst of an unfathomable despair.

What I do that helps me is read the Word. King David lost a child to sickness. He grieved himself sorely while the child was sick, so much so that his servants feared telling him when the child died. But, David sensed by the way his people were behaving that the child had died. When asked how he could pull himself together now at the death, David replied:

²² And he said, While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether God will be gracious to me, that the child may live? ²³ But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me. (2 Samuel 12:22-23)

I remember in the Word that Jesus was "acquainted with grief." Jesus was fully God, and, yet, He was also fully man. Jesus suffered grief. He knows the pain that it causes. Because of that, I know that when I cry out to Him with my questions, my anger, my depression, and all the other feelings that go along with grief... He knows. He understands.

That is how I view grief now: grief is an acquaintance. It is someone you know. You have had a shared event with them, but they are not someone that you constantly see. Grief isn't something that is always there, but I bump into it from time to time. Sometimes unexpectedly. Sometimes I see it coming. It is like living with a shadow. Shadows are not always present, but we know that they will appear.

The loss of a child is something that you carry all your remaining days. We must go on living, but we do not have to forget. When those tears come, let them fall in memorial to your child, cleansing away the hurt, the loss. It is okay.

When those feelings of loss surface, channel them for good to remember your child. Encouraging or helping others is a wonderful way to help yourself through bouts of grief. Donate toys or clothes to a women's shelter or a pregnancy center, make a Christmas shoebox, choose an angel from an angel tree, send a birthday box to missionary kids, surprise a Sunday school class with ice cream coupons. {Or agree to make 'n' take 10 personal pans of brownies for Nathan and his college friends when we go visit for Thanksgiving! :-) } And, when you feel you have an opportunity to share their short life with another, do so.

The doctors have since told us that I should never have carried Nathan to term. He is our miracle. Little did we know when we named him how appropriate it would be: Nathan - "a gift," Paul - "small." He most definitely is our small gift from the Lord, our blessing. But, I do miss my other children. However, I have a great hope because I know that I will see them one day. There's a saying: Having a child is like having a piece of your heart walking around outside you. Four pieces of my heart are running streets of gold right now. Their little lives were short, but they made a huge impact on this world, on my world. I love you Andrew Stephen (20, 18 week delivery), Caleb James "C.J." (16, born at 24 weeks, died at 17 days old), Gabriel (15, 10 week miscarriage), and sweet Naomi Grace, (14, 23 week delivery).  

I am including links to other posts that may help those suffering loss and those who minister to those suffering loss:

What Causes Grief?

The Stages of Grief

The Reality of Depression and Its Signs

When You Don't Know What to Say... by Cary Schmidt

The Reality of Depression and Its Signs

In Christian circles we tend to shun speaking about depression. Often it is seen as spiritual weakness or a "sin problem." It is neither; however, depression could develop into one or the other if not treated and overcome. Depression is a normal emotional response when faced with loss or trying circumstances. Depression can be caused by severe exhaustion or burnout. The problem comes when the individual seems to become "stuck" in a state of depression.

We often see people become overwhelmed with a series of trials, both large and small, compounding the normal response. In two decades of working in ministry, I have seen and heard of many pastors or other Christian leaders who have simply quit ministry, depressed and discouraged, because there were simply so many crises, so many fires to put out, so many hurts, that they could not keep up. Some fell into depression because of one major event, either personally or ministerially. Some went even further and committed suicide. Why? They didn't have the encouragement and support they needed.

But, they are pastors; they are Christians. They should be able to handle it.

A family losing a child is a great trial, a tremendous grief. This family made a significant ministry change and move two years later. They then had several job changes and another move to a different part of town. Additional stress came when Mom became pregnant and placed on bed rest. Unfortunately, all measures the doctors attempted could not help her carry the baby to term. She delivered at 24 weeks. They spent 17 days traveling to and from the hospital NICU to see their baby, waited anxiously during surgery on a heart smaller than your thumb nail, only to have him die in their arms on day 17. The next year she miscarried; he was laid off three times in six months. The following year she again followed her doctors recommendations of surgery and bed rest, only to have their baby girl at 23 weeks. Three infant losses in three years; four infant losses in six years. More lay offs and job changes - including Dad working three jobs a day just to meet the bills; another move across town. Ministry hiccups, disappointments, hurts and betrayals came as well during this time.

All these things occurred over 12 years, most during an 7 year span.

It was in the midst of all this that I found myself in serious trouble. It was not a lack of faith on my part. I was in the Word; I was praying. I was serving in choir, Children's Church and any other area asked. But, I still was in a desert with no oasis in sight.

Professionals might call this complicated grief - the inability to move on from one loss. I call what happened compounded grief, compounded depression. There wasn't a chance to come up for air because there was one loss or stress taking place right after another.

I knew that I needed help when I contemplated taking a bottle of pills. It was by God's grace that I did not. Additionally, I did not want my young son to be the one to find me. It was in the midst of an argument, a rage on my part, that I finally blurted this out to my husband who insisted that I go see a doctor. I did.

I told the doctor I felt like I was at the "kill or be killed" stage. She ran tests and put me on hormonal therapy. Within a month, I was a different person; I physically felt the difference. It was only then that I was able to begin to deal with and heal from all those stressors.

How did it get so far? Why didn't anyone see what was happening?

I think there are two reasons. First, being a ministry wife, I'm not supposed to have feelings like this. I'm supposed to be strong, to be the example of how to handle life's problems, disappointments, griefs. So, I hid it. I played the role that was expected of me. I succumbed to the potential stigma. I didn't feel I had anyone I could talk to without judgment, to talk to freely. Which brings me to the second reason: no one noticed. No one asked how I was doing. And, if they did, they did not push to help. I really think it boiled down to that they didn't see the signs.

One of the keys to healing from depression is to recognize the signs of depression. It was because I did recognize that I was in trouble, and finally told someone, that I was able to heal. Keep in mind, depression is a part of grieving. That is not the problem. It is when someone remains in a state of depression for a prolonged period of time that they may have crossed over to clinical depression. The signs listed here are for watching for clinical depression, the inability to move on and heal from a grief causing event.

• Persistent sad, empty, or numb feelings. Blank stares, loss of interest in life or things they once enjoyed. The inability to recognize happiness. 
• Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, helplessness. Persistent pessimism. Inability to see the bright side; to see another way. Blames themselves for what happened (anger turned inward). May fixate on past mistakes. May feel no one cares.
• Increased agitation or restlessness. Easily irritated, even over small matters. Quick to anger. Hand wringing, pacing. Inability to sit still.
• Fatigue, decreased energy. Inability to finish projects or lists as before. May feel unproductive. Slowed thinking, speaking, or movements. Much effort given to the simplest tasks.
• Loss of interest in activities, hobbies, etc. that were once enjoyed. May stop visiting family, decline invitations. May stop participating in hobbies such as reading, crafting, clubs or sports.
• Difficulty remembering details, focusing or concentrating. Mental "fog." Taking a long time to complete a complicated process. Forgetting appointments, names, etc. Indecisive. Easily distracted.
• Physical signs: sleeping too much or too little (insomnia); overeating or loss of appetite; persistent pain, headaches, stomach issues that do not resolve despite treatment.
• Thoughts of death or suicide. Direct statements might include: "I wish I were dead." "I want to end it all." Indirect statements might include: "You'd be better off without me." "I can't go on." "Soon, I won't be around anymore."

The person experiencing clinical depression may not be aware of what is happening to them. It is important to be mindful of the above signs and act to help the person. Depression is one of the most common factors associated with suicide.

If you or someone you know experiences two or more of the above symptoms more often than not for more than two weeks, you or they may be experiencing clinical depression. A "depression quiz" is available here at the Meier Clinic website.

Where can you find help? Begin by talking with a friend or family member, your pastor or a Christian mentor. A medical doctor should also be consulted to check for chemical or hormonal imbalances or other possible physiological causes.

For me, I needed a medical doctor to determine that I was suffering from a hormonal imbalance before I could move on in order to heal.

Depression tends to bring about a spiritual stigma. It shouldn't. Elijah, King David, Job, Jeremiah, Jonah, and Paul are only a few in the Bible who experienced various degrees of depression. It is how we deal with depression that makes all the difference.

Not all those who suffer from depression do so because of a "sin problem." Depression is a natural response to overwhelming situations and, occasionally, from sheer exhaustion. The longer a person stays in a state of depression, however, it can lead to spiritual weakness which may further complicate the situation.

I encourage you to seek the help of your pastor and doctor to help you. If you simply do not feel comfortable with those resources, the Meier Clinic provides a whole body approach to counseling which will deal with physical causes as well as emotional and spiritual causes. Another excellent resource for locating a Christian counselor is the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors.

Finally, let me encourage anyone in ministry who finds themselves, a family member or, perhaps, the entire family in a situation where you need counseling care to please seek help. Our ministry, Hold Fast the Truth, is completely based on anonymity for any pastor or ministry leader that contacts us, regardless the need. If you need help, but do not know where to turn, please do not hesitate to contact my husband, Evangelist Dan Woltmann, through our ministry website, churchhelps.org. We will do all we can to match you with the help that you need.

No words can express how much the world owes to sorrow. Most of the Psalms were born in the wilderness. Most of the Epistles were written in a prison. The greatest thoughts of the greatest thinkers have all passed through fire. The greatest poets have “learned in suffering what they taught in song.” In bonds Bunyan lived the allegory that he afterwards wrote, and we may thank Bedford Jail for the Pilgrim’s Progress. Take comfort, afflicted Christian! When God is about to make pre-eminent use of a person, He put them in the fire. -- George MacDonald

I am including links to other posts that may help those suffering loss and those who minister to those suffering loss:

On Losing a Child... Twenty Years Later

What Causes Grief?

The Stages of Grief

When You Don't Know What to Say... by Cary Schmidt

The Stages of Grief

No one is immune from the effects of death. Family, friends, co-workers, even an entire community can be affected by the loss of one person. The closer in relationship to the deceased, the more stages of grief you will feel and the longer it will take to go through them. It is important that we are familiar with these stages, not so that we can check them off a list as they occur, but to know that these stages are normal responses. The danger comes when someone seems to get "stuck" on a particular stage causing them to be unable to move forward.

The stages of grief are not a checklist nor will they necessarily occur in order, or in the same order, for each individual. Some may vacillate between several for a while; others may repeat stages. There is no real time frame for "when it will all be over," either. However, it is recommended to not make major decisions for at least a year following the death of someone very close to you.

Most counselors recognize five stages of grief. These are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

1. Denial. This is the initial stage. There is shock and disbelief as we first learn of the news. People may initially feel numb. "Why is this happening?" "You must be wrong." "I don't believe it." Denial is a buffer zone, a self-defense, for our minds to be able to slow down and process the information that is coming in. It is important to not sugar-coat necessary information. Speak the truth, but with love and compassion. While those facing the news of the death of a loved one will more quickly accept the news, those facing the news of a terminal illness may attempt to ignore the diagnosis, pushing off decisions that need to be made.
2. Anger. In this stage, the individual may express his anger in outward ways. Shouting, throwing things, and verbal attacks are good examples. Blame may be placed on people - the doctors, the person who died, those that were with their loved one, even God. Many people turn their anger inward which is known as guilt. "I should have seen the signs." "If only I had,...." Guilt may also occur if the person is angry at the deceased. "Why did you leave me?" When dealing with someone in the anger stage it is important to not take it personally should the anger and rage be turned on you. Try to remain non-judgmental.
3. Bargaining. An individual may try to reach a deal for a different outcome. "I'll do anything..." "I'll give my life, money, etc." There may also be statements of "If only..." The person may secretly try to bargain with God to change the outcome. Bargaining is another defense mechanism in order to help come to acceptance.
4. Depression. Loneliness, hopelessness, utter sadness, fear, regret. "Why bother..." "I can't go on." A person may refuse visitors, may spend most of their time in tears, and may not be able to function in their normal routine. These are all a part of depression. We must understand that the depression that occurs following a loss is not the same as clinical depression. However, it is important to note that those who seem to stay in this stage too long may have slipped into clinical depression which may warrant intervention. Remember, though, there is not a time frame to go through the depression stage. Once someone reaches this stage they are beginning to accept the new reality.
5. Acceptance. Those who reach this stage are not "cured." They simply have come to the place where they can move on with life. While the grief over the loss of their loved one will always be with them, they can now pick up and adjust to life without them. 

Not everyone who experiences a loss is able to move on to acceptance. Some remain in the anger, bargaining, or depression stage indefinitely. Those who seem "stuck" may need additional counseling or more support from those around them. Those who attend church may want to speak with their pastor for help in this area. There are also numerous support groups consisting of individuals who have suffered similar loss available today. GriefShare is one such group that deals specifically with those who have suffered the death of a spouse, child, family member or friend.

Again, these "stages" are not check marks on a check list. Once you have "gone through them all" does not mean you have completely healed. Grief is a life long journey; it may appear at any time, without warning, throughout your lifetime. A good illustration is that of recuperating from an injury. While the injury may have healed, pain from it may occur without warning; it is a weak place in the body susceptible to recurrences. All of us at one time or another will experience grief. The important thing to remember is that it is normal.

I am including links to other posts that may help those suffering loss and those who minister to those suffering loss:

What Causes Grief?

On Losing a Child... Twenty Years Later

The Reality of Depression and Its Signs

When You Don't Know What to Say... by Cary Schmidt

What Causes Grief?

Often we may think that only death causes grief. This simply is not true. Grief can be experienced on many different levels for a variety of reasons.

Life changes.

• Death of a spouse.
• Death of a parent.
• Miscarriage or the death of a child.
• Giving a child up for adoption.
• Moving. Particularly difficult for children, first-year college students, newly marrieds, and the elderly.
• Death of a pet.

Relationships.

• Dating break-up, particularly if it was a long relationship.
• Marriage. Some people feel loss because their relationship has changed which may bring changes with other relationships. Some may feel a loss of independent decision making.
• Birth of a child. Some feel a loss of independent decision making. Some resent lifestyle changes.
• Divorce and separation. Not only are the adults affected, but the children and extended family are affected.
• Empty-nesting. When a child leaves home, many parents experience varying levels of grief.
• A way-ward child.
• Friendships. Sometimes friendships end, whether due to arguments or geographical changes.

Health. (These may affect not only the patient but also those that love them and will be caregivers.)

• Diagnosis of a chronic or terminal illness, whether personally or that of a loved one.
• Diagnosis of a disorder or medical condition of a child that would cause life-long care, and the loss of the life the parents had hoped for their child.
• Diagnosis of infertility.
• Personal injury resulting in drastic lifestyle changes and disability.
• Personal injury resulting in temporary changes.
• Aging. Some grieve the loss of strength, loss of physical appearance or independence.

Work or School.

• Failing an exam or failure in a project.
• Loss of position or promotion.
• Increase in work load or responsibility.
• Change of job or school.
• Graduation.
• Job loss.
• Retirement.

Other forms of change.

• An act of violence.
• Loss of home or possessions due to natural disaster or accident.
• Financial loss due to national economic collapse, stock market crash, banking issues, etc.
• Change in habits or lifestyle such as quitting smoking, changing diet for health reasons, cutting back spending due to economic loss, etc.

You may look at the lists above and think that some of them are a bit "over reaching" in describing them as "grief-causers." We need to remember that each person is different and, therefore, will respond to the above situations in their own way.

For example, a week or so after Nathan graduated from Kindergarten, he broke out in hives. Although we tried to rule out anything and everything, the hives persisted through over the counter treatment. We took him to the doctor. She checked him and took a history. She asked if he had just graduated from Kindergarten. We said yes. She told us that many times children have difficulty changing their routines, especially when they know that they would not be returning to what they knew as "normal." The hives, in this case, were the physical way to express what he could not express verbally. She gave him some medicine to deal with the hives and encouraged us to keep him talking about the changes and what to expect in the future. {We were switching to homeschooling.} In a way, it was part of his grieving the loss of what he knew.

When we hear of someone experiencing any of the above situations, remember to encourage them. Send a card, make a phone call, buy a bag of groceries, send a pizza (pre-paid, of course!), offer child care -- there are so many things that we can do to help and encourage someone who is suffering from a grief-causing situation.

I am including links to other posts that may help those suffering loss and those who minister to those suffering loss:

On Losing a Child... Twenty Years Later

The Stages of Grief

The Reality of Depression and Its Signs

When You Don't Know What to Say... by Cary Schmidt

Teaching a Life of Excellence

This last week you may have seen the news story about the young man who was denied the bonus money in Final Jeopardy for misspelling the correct answer. He wasn't in the running to win the whole show, only for extra money. The uproar against host Alex Trebek and the show has been... well, I should say "unbelievable," but I'm afraid I'm not shocked.

In a world where kids are given awards for “best art project for Spring” or “best writing of the letter ‘A’” is it any wonder that we have kids who cannot handle disappointment and defeat? This is why I'm not, nor have ever been, a fan of "everyone gets a trophy" in little league. From what I’ve been led to understand, the same is now true for school end-of-year award ceremonies. EVERYONE must receive at least one certificate or trophy regardless of the insignificance of the “accomplishment”; the former ‘build-their-little-egos’ go-to “participation” award no longer suffices.

Sadly, I’ve seen this world philosophy filter into our churches as well. Children’s ministry award nights have become ridiculous. One church actually gave out “perfect attendance” awards for MISSING one or fewer club meetings. How can we then stand and teach of God’s perfection when we have clearly redefined “perfection?” Kids are far smarter than we give them credit. They do understand when we say one thing and do another which leads to confused kids. They know when they receive an award that is phony and insignificant.

Disappointments come. Failures occur. Someone just may be better at something than you are. Learning how to deal with these things as a child only helps them be a stronger less reliant on society adult.

I once misspelled a word on a Spanish test. Instead of a 100, I received a 98. The answer was correct, simply misspelled. A fellow student also misspelled the same answer, but received credit for it. (Their grade was not nearly as high.) I asked the teacher about it. Her thickly Cuban accented reply, "Melissa, you are such a good student. I expect better of you." That made a HUGE impact on me... not negatively, but to encourage me to live a life striving for the best, not perfection, but of excellence. (Thank you, Mrs. Richardson, for the life lesson!!)

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12

The purpose of “everyone should receive an award so that they don’t feel bad about themselves” sounds like a good idea. But, it only sounds like it. Satan is the great liar. He takes God’s truth and twists it ever so slightly to appeal to our sinful nature… without our realizing or identifying it. That’s what he did to Eve; it is what he does today.

No one wants to lose, but an award for doing nothing or for a mediocre performance, over time, will be more demoralizing than learning to deal with the loss, disappointment, and failure at the time that it happens.

Instead, let’s focus on what the Bible teaches regarding accomplishments.

1. Remember to do all to the glory of God. Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31

2. Work with a spirit of excellence in mind. Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest. Ecclesiastes 9:10

3. Our reaction to disappointments and struggles is a testimony revealing our character. …7b there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. 8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. 9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. 2 Corinthians 12:7b-10

4. We must be faithful in little things in order to receive greater rewards. His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. Matthew 25:21

5. The Lord uses our disappointments, losses, and failures to His glory. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

6. Sometimes, God uses struggles to drive us closer to Him. 8 For we would not, brethren, have you ignorant of our trouble which came to us in Asia, that we were pressed out of measure, above strength, insomuch that we despaired even of life: 9 But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God which raiseth the dead: 2 Corinthians 1:8-9

Teaching our children these lessons when disappointments, trials, losses, and struggles come during the training years will net us adult children ready to move forward into the world with a strong sense of Who God is, who they are in Him, and a willingness to trust Him in both the good times and the bad.

Preparing MOM for College

Ah, Spring! It’s almost here. Birds chirping, fresh green leaves on the trees, fuzzy chicks, ducks, and bunnies everywhere. The beginning of so many things -- new growth, new births -- newness abounds.

Unless you are the mother of a high school senior. In this case, it is the “lasts” of things. Our focus is on the never again’s. The last ball game. The last report card. The last prom. The last concert. The last recital. As the days of April and May speed by so do the “lasts”.

Psst. Mom. From a mom who has been there, it WILL be okay. Tears are going to come. Let them. Let your kid see them. Just keep boxes of tissues everywhere you may find yourself – the car, the sofa, by the bed, in your purse, at your desk, etc. But, do one thing for me, for them. Change the attitude. Do not allow yourself to focus on the sad tears of it all being over. Instead, let the tears fall as happy tears of what has been accomplished. Your child has accomplished a great deal. Twelve years of education (13 or 14 depending on kindergarten)! You have accomplished something. You have reared a child to adulthood! CeLeBrAtE!!

In August or September, many new, young adults will head off to college (some to military service)… and leave mom at home. In September, 2010 I was that mom. Not only did he leave me at home, he left us an empty nest. At the ripe “old” age of 42, my husband and I found ourselves empty-nesters. But for us, we realized it before it was to be a shock. And we prepared. So, Mom, let me share my infinite wisdom on this matter. Well, maybe, not infinite, just what helped us with the transition.

When the Young Man began 9^th grade, the first year of high school, I had the “light-bulb moment” that he would be graduating in four years. Four years is not a long time. Four years before he had been in 5^th grade. Now he’s in 9^th? How did that happen? I also realized that would mean a BIG change in our house. No more kids at home!!! Woo Hoo! {Trust me, you will embrace that eventually. :-)}

In all seriousness, I was concerned. I was a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom who only worked outside of the home a total of one year or so up until then. Although I had a teaching degree, I did not see myself going back into the classroom. I also knew that many mothers do not handle this transition well. At all. I didn’t want to be one of “those” mothers. What was a girl to do? We began thinking about it, off and on, for the next several years, came up with a “plan” and began preparing ourselves for the “just us” days.

1.   Land the helicopter. Maybe you have heard of the term “helicopter parent”. If not, briefly explained, it is over-parenting. It is a parent who pays extremely close attention to their child's experiences and problems. These parents intervene with peers, teachers, coaches, administrators, and in some cases, bosses, if they feel their child is not treated fairly. They are very overprotective; they would prefer their child not face any adversity, have any hurts. This is not healthy. Children and teens who do not learn how to take up for themselves become adults who cannot take care of themselves. Your role as a parent will change from dictator to that of advisory council when your child leaves the nest. Begin at every opportunity possible when they are children and teens to advise them without interfering. In other words, unless it is a matter of safety, let them fight their own battles.

2.   Prepare for the change in family dynamics. Just as your family dynamics changed as you added each child, they will change again as each child leaves the nest. In our case, we went from a family of three to a family of two in one fell swoop. It was an adjustment to cook for two again; cooking for a teenage boy is like cooking for five. House chores were different. Laundry for two doesn’t take as long as for three. The family calendar cleared dramatically. Many adjustments were made on the home front. If you have more children at home, life will be different. Prepare for those changes just as you did when you added the baby.

3.   Prepare for the silence. This is especially true if this is an only child or your last one at home. When they go off for a week of camp, don’t go with them as the chap. While they are gone, take a day and turn off all appliances and noise makers. Hear that? Yep. That is the sound of silence. Embrace it. It is not the enemy. I have found that my 45 year old brain relishes the peace and calmness of that silence. This has been a time of great spiritual growth, self-discovery, and of picking up dreams put aside when the child came along. It is a new season of life, a new beginning for me as well.

4.   Plan for a “new” you. What are you going to do with all the extra time? That was the question I asked myself. Make a list of hobbies you might like to try… crochet, knitting, painting, etc. What volunteer opportunities are available for you in your area? Church? Retirement home? Hospital? If you have always been a stay at home mom, you may want to consider getting a job. Update your work skills. Take classes. Change careers if you have been at the same occupation for a time. I believe that all of us have a secret dream of some sort. What is yours? Why not use this time to do something about it?

5.   Not all the sadness is because the child has left the nest. One aspect that many moms do not consider is that there are serious hormonal changes taking place in our bodies as our children leave the nest. Whether peri-menopause or menopause, these changes wreck havoc with us physically and emotionally. As we would recommend a new mom to have her hormones checked for post-partum depression, it might be a good idea to have your hormones checked during the emptying of the nest as well. Extreme fatigue, sadness, and even depression could be signs that hormonal changes are taking place on top of the emotions you are feeling as your child leaves home.

6.   If you haven’t learned it yet, learn to say NO. When your child calls home homesick, upset, and otherwise ready to come home, say, “No.” It isn’t easy, especially when they are crying. Your heart will break. You will cry when you hang up the phone. But be strong… for them. Because when you can encourage them through this inevitable aspect of leaving home for an extended period, you will teach them to be strong. You can ask our Young Man. He knew BEFORE we left him at college that quitting was not an option. Still, he called. Still, he asked, prefacing it with, “I know, I know, I can’t come home, but…” And today, he is ever grateful that we pushed him to push through.

7.   Prepare to hear the words, “I wish I had listened,” or “You were right.” YES!! It is TRUE!! It makes those junior high and high school years worth it… well, maybe not worth it, but at least you now will feel appreciated. That first semester or two these words were sweeter to my ears than, “I love you, Mom.” Hang in there, mom.

8.   Prepare for the retirement years. Yes, that’s right, and I don't mean financially. The fastest growing segment of population heading to divorce court is that of the retiree. Why? Well, after the nest empties, the Mrs. has her routine, the Mr. went off to work with his routine. They saw one another only a few hours a day. THEN… retirement. The Mr. is now home all.the.time! Where is the Mrs.'s peace and quiet that she learned to embrace once the kids left? If you have not been in the habit of a date night, start one. Run errands together. Take weekends away. Take vacations together. Make out on the couch… remember, NO KIDS to say, “Ewww!” No more worries about having to lock doors (wink, wink). Stay connected with your husband. Don’t allow your relationship to drift apart searching for something to keep you occupied after the kids leave the nest.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

What is the purpose of parenting? It is to “train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6) We are to teach our children to leave our nest to go start their own. We are to teach our children to serve God. If we have followed God’s Word in the area of equipping them in God’s Word then we have done well. This is a new season for all, both parent and child. God has a purpose. Rest in that purpose.