The Offender and the Offended

At some point in our lives, someone has done something in which we felt we were hurt or betrayed. We felt that our “rights” were trampled upon. We may have actually been wronged, suffering loss in someway whether by a damaged reputation, loss of finances or by damaging relationships with those closest to us.

We were offended.

Conversely, at some point in our lives, we have been the one that caused hurt feelings or betrayed someone. We disrespected another making them to feel as if their “rights” were trampled upon. We did damage another’s reputation, caused an individual to suffer financial loss, or created a rift not only in the relationship between the two but also between that individual and others.

We were the offender.

Matthew 5:23-24 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest 

that thy brother hath ought against thee; 24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; 

first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.

In Matthew 5:23-24, we see that it is the responsibility of the offender to go make it right with the one offended. Notice, it says that if “thy brother hath ought against thee.” This would include offenses that may only be a perceived offense, a miscommunication, or misunderstanding. If we did sin against another individual or if we simply know that someone is upset with us, it is OUR responsibility to go to the person to make it right.

Those of us who were offended agree wholeheartedly with these verses. The offender should take responsibility because they are the one who sinned. After all, I didn’t do anything wrong. I was wronged. They hurt my feelings. However,…

Matthew 18:15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault 

between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

As the one who was offended, we bear an equal responsibility in restoring the relationship. If someone offends us in some manner, it is OUR responsibility to go to that individual to restore the relationship.

So, what you are saying is that no matter if I was offended or if I were the offender, if there is a rift in a relationship I am responsible for trying to restore it?

Yes.

But, what if they don’t want to listen? What if they don’t want to make it right?

Matthew 18:16-17 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

Matthew 18:16-17 are the verses that most people will jump to for an offense, regardless of the severity of the offense. However, we need to examine if the offense truly rises to that level, the level of church discipline. Often, it does not. We make mountains out of molehills. We blow up a minor disagreement into world war.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 8 Charity never faileth:

We must rely on charity (love) in these situations. Some offenses are so minor that we should simply let them go. Be the bigger person.

1 John 4:11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.

Nineteen times in the New Testament we are told to love one another usually, in context, reminding us that we are to love one another as Christ loved us. How can we possibly hold an offense over someone when God has forgiven us of so much more?

Proverbs 18:19 A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city: 

and their contentions are like the bars of a castle.

But, I’ve gone to them. They don’t want to make it right. They don’t want to restore the relationship.

Romans 12:18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

If we have done all we can to restore a relationship, whether it is to let pass the least offense or gone to the person in order to reconcile the relationship, then our final responsibility is to live as peaceably as possible with the individual. In some cases, it may mean simply staying away from the individual as much as possible. But if you must interact with the person, follow the principle found in the final verses of Romans 12.

Romans 12:19-21 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. 20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; 

if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. 

21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

We are imperfect beings. We are going to be hurt and we are going to offend others. It is our responsibility, regardless of which side of the situation we find ourselves, to shore up relationships. Why? Because we are brothers and sisters in the Lord. We must be an example to a lost and dying world of the love of Christ. We cannot accomplish that if we are bickering and fighting amongst ourselves, or are holding grudges and being unforgiving.

Ephesians 4:1-3 I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you 

that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called, 

2 With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering,  

forbearing one another in love; 

3 Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

Psalm 133:1 Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!

Waiting...

Waiting. It is not something that any of us likes. A wise person, however, learns to wait to speak. They make sure they have all the facts, "fact" checks again, then waits some more before speaking. If more would do this, then there would be a lot less anger and strife in our family and church relationships.

Proverbs 29:20 Seest thou a man that is hasty in his words? there is more hope of a fool than of him.

Proverbs 29:11 A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.

James 1:19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: 20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

Love Can Build A Bridge......

Not too long ago Dan and I were watching a World War II classic, “The Bridge on the River Kwai.” I have seen the movie a couple of times but there was something in the movie that I had not paid attention to before.  As the British colonel Nicholson and his men inspect what the Japanese had completed, one of the men states that the bridge is going to have to be moved down river where there is bedrock.  The Japanese had built the pillars of the bridge on sandy ground; the bridge would fall with the first heavy load.  That got me thinking.

For the last several years, we have dealt with individuals who have left fundamentalism citing that it is “too harsh”, “too hateful”, “too….”.  To be honest, I really can’t argue with them.  I, too, have been victim of the “do as I say, not as I do” crowd; those Christians who are more focused on the do’s and don’ts, than they are on the people they are dealing with. These Christians are more focused on how they look on the outside rather than the on the relationship they have with Christ on the inside.  I have seen on more than one occasion a woman treated with disdain because she came to church in a pant suit, a teen ostracized because they were dressed in goth attire, or a man ignored because he was disheveled and smelled. These that have left their “roots” have gravitated to the complete opposite.  After all, if what they grew up with was “wrong”, then the complete opposite must be “right.” Now they propagate the philosophy of “love.”  When you try to talk to them about standards, Bible versions or doctrine you hear in return something to the effect, “We don’t worry about those things now; those are non-issues for us. We interpret those things differently than you. We just need to love people to Jesus.” In other words, “Love can build a bridge… to Jesus.”

While that sounds nice and sweet…. and loving, these believers are just as wrong in their “enlightenment” as their brothers and sisters in Christ who major on the minors. In order to be in either of the groups the individual is ignoring the WHOLE counsel of God in the Bible.  There is BALANCE in all Scripture.  There must be discipline and doctrine in the Christian walk just as much as there needs to be love.

But the whole “come as you are,” mega-church movement, which first championed the “love” philosophy that so many fundamentalists are now adopting, is a failure. Why? Just like that bridge in the movie, it was built and created on a weak foundation. Several years ago, following the release of the results of a multi-year study on the effectiveness of their programs and philosophy of ministry at Willow Creek, the founder of this movement, Bill Hybels, stated, “We made a mistake. What we should have done when people crossed the line of faith and become Christians, we should have started telling people and teaching people that they have to take responsibility to become ‘self feeders.’ We should have gotten people, taught people, how to read their bible between services, how to do the spiritual practices much more aggressively on their own.” 

So, what is proposed to correct this? Greg Hawkins, co-author of the book, Reveal: Where Are You?, gave this summary, “Our dream is that we fundamentally change the way we do church. That we take out a clean sheet of paper and we rethink all of our old assumptions. Replace it with new insights. Insights that are informed by research and rooted in Scripture. Our dream is really to discover what God is doing and how he’s asking us to transform this planet.”

While it is admirable that they want to change, and I believe there are just as many fundamental churches that need to change, the “rethink,” “informed by research” and “rooted in Scripture” aspects of the statement bothers me. The plan for the “dream to really discover what God is doing and how he’s asking us to transform this planet” is already written.  It is already planned. We don’t need to “rethink” or “research” anything.  We need to LEARN it.

I have been reading through the New Testament and came to 2 Peter 1 when something struck me that I believe goes along with the above. (Bold and underlined added for emphasis.)

2 Peter 1:4-10: ⁴Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.

⁵And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; ⁶And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; ⁷And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.


⁸For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.  ⁹But he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from his old sins.  ¹⁰Wherefore the rather, brethren, give diligence to make your calling and election sure: for if ye do these things, ye shall never fall:

Isn’t it interesting the order in which these things are placed?  I believe that the Lord had a reason for ordering them in this way. To our faith we are to add virtue; to do that which is right while avoiding that which is wrong. To virtue we are to add knowledge. Knowledge is the condition of knowing something with familiarity gained through experience or association (2) : acquaintance with or understanding of a science, art, or technique. (MerriamWebster.com) In this case, it would be to increase our knowledge of God’s Word. To knowledge we are to add temperance. This is simply moderation or restraint.  Isn’t it interesting that first we must have faith, and then we are to begin to do right things as opposed to wrong things led by our new understanding through the Holy Spirit even before we have knowledge of God’s Word? This could be as simple as being kind or turning away from a vice. We are also to study God’s Word so that more can be revealed to us because this will also bring moderation and restraint in how we live our lives.


But there is even more.  To temperance we are to add patience. We are to handle trials calmly, without complaint; we are to manifest forbearance, or tolerance, when under stress or strain. To patience we are to add godliness. According to Webster-dictionary.net, this is defined as careful observance of, or conformity to, the laws of God; the state or quality of being godly. Then, we are to add brotherly kindness. The Greek word for “brotherly kindness” is transliterated “philadelphia”. It describes that we are to have love toward our fellow Christians. Finally, we are to add to brotherly kindness charity. Charity is defined as a benevolence or goodwill toward humanity, a generosity toward those who are poor or in need.


Hmmm. To faith we are to add doing right and not doing wrong.  We are to increase our knowledge of the Bible. We are to live our lives with moderation and restraint.  We are to calmly handle our trials and show tolerance for others. THEN, we are to show love toward our fellow Christian and love to those who are in need.


It seems to me that there are many of us who have our “religion” all wrong.  Some have stopped on the front end of the list and only focus on the do’s and don’ts – virtue. Others have skipped to the end of the list and only focus on love – charity.  Both are wrong.


Where are knowledge, temperance, patience, godliness and brotherly kindness? Since when is it okay to pick and choose what it is that we will or will not do according to God’s Word? We cannot continue to cling to our pet passages.


It is time to get back to the Bible so that we can hold fast to the truth of the whole counsel of God’s Word. Make sure your foundation.