If you ask many who attended Christian schools in the 70's, 80's, and early 90's you may hear a consensus of anger and, in some cases, that has turned to bitterness regarding their time in school. At the very least, there are tinges of derision, resentment, or scoffing. This also can be said of IFB churches during that same time. How do I know this? I see it on FaceBook and message boards. I hear it in conversations. Why?
The argument will be "that church" or "that school" did X.Y.Z. to me. Who did/do they think they were/are telling us how to dress, live, conduct ourselves? They let this group get away with ____ but when we did it they lowered the boom. (Yes, it did happen. No, you didn't imagine it. Inconsistency is possible by anyone... just ask your own kids.) Some will say that they (authority) did not follow God's Word; they twisted God's Word to make us do what they wanted.
I graduated from high school... well, ahem... in 1985. I graduated from a Christian college in 1989. I grew up in an IFB church and in the years since I have remained in and served in IFB churches. I have been accused over the years of "drinking the Kool-Aid." However, if those accusers would have spent a little time talking to me instead of accusing me they would have seen that I poured out the "Kool-Aid" long ago.
In our ministry, we see the worst of the worst in people... monthly, weekly, sometimes daily... often when things are at their darkest. We have dealt with pastors and their families who were utterly devastated by "their people", usually deacons, sometimes other staff, occasionally a group of disgruntled members. We've heard what these "godly" people have said to the pastor's kids and wives. We've seen how these men and, yes, sometimes those "sweet Christian" women, have gossiped, gone house to house and business to business as talebearers, and out right lied about pastors, their wives, and their kids. We have counseled with PK's (and their parents) who have said, "The CHURCH hurt me. I don't want anything else to do with it." Hmm....
We've also dealt with those who feel they have been bound and chained by the do's and don'ts of a "dictatorial pastor", a "tyrannical administrator", etc. We've heard every story under the sun of "all the financial problems a pastor has caused a church"; how these pastors have "hog-tied them and won't let them serve." We've heard these people say that they need to get rid of the pastor (authority) because they are hurting me. We've heard these people say that they will be in control; the "next" pastor just needs to "preach". Or, we've seen some simply leave (quietly or not) to go to churches where there are no rules, no standards, no responsibility, no confrontation of sin, or where "we just don't
I have had a LONG time to think about this, to examine it, to pray and seek God's face on the matter. The "church" or the "school" didn't hurt you. Those are simply institutions... made up of people... made up with you included. The problem wasn't the schools; it wasn't the churches. It was people, individuals, the imperfect. And doesn't that describe ALL of us. Imperfect.
Here are a few things I've learned over the years that have helped me when others have hurt me or when I think I disagree with leadership. Maybe they will help you too.
- GOD'S WORD is the final authority to anything and everything that I do. It is my ABSOLUTE. Many say that they see certain scriptures differently than someone else does. Know this: that thinking is called "relativism" (a philosophy that conceptions of truth and moral values are not absolute but are relative to the persons or groups holding them). Relativism in the church has mixed God's Word with our opinions or thoughts in an attempt to compromise so that everyone can "get along" in "Christian love and fellowship." It is a worldly philosophy that slithered into Christian thinking; it is destroying churches, families, and individuals. 2 Peter 1:19-21, We have also a more sure word of prophecy; whereunto ye do well that ye take heed, as unto a light that shineth in a dark place, until the day dawn, and the day star arise in your hearts: Knowing this first, that no prophecy of the scripture is of any private interpretation. For the prophecy came not in old time by the will of man: but holy men of God spake as they were moved by the Holy Ghost.
- PEOPLE are imperfect which means they may do something that will hurt me at some point. Sometimes those who teach and guide us will hurt us. Sometimes a co-laborer, a fellow Christian may hurt us. Many times they are unaware of what they have done. Psalm 55:12-14, For it was not an enemy that reproached me; then I could have borne it: neither was it he that hated me that did magnify himself against me; then I would have hid myself from him: But it was thou, a man mine equal, my guide, and mine acquaintance. We took sweet counsel together, and walked unto the house of God in company.
- FORGIVENESS is essential. We may never confront those that have hurt us, but we must forgive them. In the parable of the king and servant in Matthew 18, the servant owed a debt that the king expected paid right away. The king granted leniency. The servant then went to those who owed him and showed no leniency. The king was appalled when he heard and delivered the servant to the "tormenters" until the debt was paid. When we continue to live in bondage, anger, and bitterness for those things done and said to us, we trample on the blood of Christ Who forgave us. Matthew 18:33-35, Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.
- FORGIVENESS is not a one time thing. Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive his brother when he sinned against him. Seven times? Matthew 18:22, Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
- FORGETTING isn't easy, but it is necessary to move on. The saying "forgive and forget" is nice, but the two do not come hand in hand. It has been said that forgiveness requires remembering graciously. In other words, remember the hurt without added anger and bitterness. Learn the lesson, use the lesson to help others, but don't dwell. Don't allow Satan to use past hurts as a tool to halt your walk with the Lord. Philippians 3:13-14, Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
- AUTHORITY isn't always right, but submitting to that authority is protection in God's plan.
The cause of Christ has suffered enough at our own divisiveness. We have much to do in these last days and it cannot be done when brother fights against brother, when hurts are harbored, when accusations and judgments are flung. The testimony of the church as a whole has been harmed. We no longer are salt and light to this world. It is time to forget those things which are behind, and reach forth unto those things which are before, by pressing toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
- As a parent, I have not always made the best decisions, but when it came to my son, I expected him to obey whether I was right or wrong; it was his God-given protection. Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.
- As a wife, I have not always agreed with my husband, but regardless of that, I am protected through obedience to my husband. He is the one who will answer to God for what happens with our family. My responsibility is to submit graciously whether I understand the decisions he makes or not. My submission is an example as to how we as Christians are to submit to the Lord. Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
- As an employee, I don't always agree with the policies of the boss or company. But, they are the authority. If I'm going to keep my job, I will follow those policies and do what I am asked to do. Why? Because I am serving my Lord not man, and am a witness for Him. Ephesians 6:5-8, Servants, be obedient to them that are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ; Not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but as the servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart; With good will doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men: Knowing that whatsoever good thing any man doeth, the same shall he receive of the Lord, whether he be bond or free.
- As a church member, I may not always agree with how things are handled in the church - finances, policies, standards, etc. At these times, I ask myself if it is something from which to separate. If so, then I leave, move on - quietly. If not, then I keep my mouth shut and happily serve my Lord. I also pray for either understanding on my part or a change in the heart and actions of the pastor. How can I do that? I know that I am not going to be the one to stand before the Lord for the happenings of the church. The pastor is. Hebrews 13:7, 17 (7)Remember them which have the rule over you, who have spoken unto you the word of God: whose faith follow, considering the end of their conversation. (17)Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you
The fault for much of what took place during those "extreme" days was lack of teaching of one generation to the next, and it has persisted ever since. As we say in our ministry, the lack of teaching "the WHY." Yes, there were many do's and don'ts. They were the practical ways to deal with the Biblical principles. Could there have been different "practicals"? Sure. Each of us probably could come up with a number of different "practicals" that would have honored the principles.
But there were and are Biblical reasons for the "practicals" whether we understood them or not then or now. Whether they were taught to us or not, the "WHY" has always been there. There are Biblical principles for every aspect of life.
"But, what are the chapter and verses?"
That would be so much easier, wouldn't it? But that isn't the case. One thing I've found over the years is that wisdom sought out for myself tends to "stick" better than when someone simply "tells me".
I am including a link to a PDF entitled "What To Do When There Isn't a Chapter and Verse." It includes seven basic Bible principles with verses that will help you discern what is right and wrong for any situation.
In every aspect of life, first seek out what the whole counsel of God has to say about it. There is clear teaching for some areas. Be willing to change should the Lord convict you that your thoughts are wrong on the matter. Giving up long held traditions, thoughts, opinions, and, yes, assumptions is not easy. I've been there myself. For those "grey" areas, where there isn't a "chapter and verse" apply the seven Biblical principles to help discern what would be the BEST decision to make on the matter. Paul addressed just these things in Romans 14:
3 Let not him that eateth despise him that eateth not; and let not him which eateth not judge him that eateth: for God hath received him.
4 Who art thou that judgest another man's servant? to his own master he standeth or falleth. Yea, he shall be holden up: for God is able to make him stand.
5 One man esteemeth one day above another: another esteemeth every day alike. Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind.
10 But why dost thou judge thy brother? or why dost thou set at nought thy brother? for we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ.
12 So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.
13 Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way.Some will be persuaded toward higher standards, others will not. We must not judge either as "right" or as "wrong". We must, as brothers and sisters in Christ, stop spouting our own "liberty" to do what we want and start considering if we are a stumbling block to another Christian. It isn't hard for me to submit myself to a higher (aka: stricter) standard that I personally do not hold when I keep in mind that I am trying to be a blessing instead of a stumbling block. How about you?
Now back to the original question. Did it make you or break you? Do you still live in bondage to past hurts?
"Well, no, I gave up all those 'standards' years ago."
Then, why do you still hold a grudge? It broke you.
"I won't go back to that place. They hurt me. I can't stand to see those people. They didn't care about me when I was there. I hope they fail."
Why are you unloving and unkind toward them? It broke you.
"I think that they should change their rules. Don't they know they are hurting others?"
Why are you critical because they do not change? It broke you.
"You know, it really doesn't matter what happened back then. All of it was a part of molding me to what I am today. Yes, people hurt me. I've forgiven them.... frankly, it wasn't easy, but with God's help... No, I didn't understand some of the rules, but now I see what they were trying to do. They were human; they did the best that they knew how at the time. If anything, I learned to dig into the Word for myself to see what the Lord would have me to do."
Those extreme days didn't define me... they helped make me.
