I have been thinking about that day and the days leading up to it, particularly the marriage counseling and the vows themselves. We could never have imagined on that day the things we would face together. We were not naive in thinking that everything would be a walk in the park. Perhaps we were, as my husband likes to say, "stupid enough to simply follow God's Word and His ways".
On one of our anniversary overnight trips we made a comment about celebrating our anniversary to the clerk at the check-in desk. "Really?! How long have you been married?" We answered, "Ten years." The clerk began congratulating us for staying together so long, how wonderful it was, etc. We walked away a bit confused. Sure, "staying together" for ten years is a great accomplishment, but it hadn't even begun to scratch the surface of the time we hope the Lord allows us as husband and wife. When we said our vows "to death us do part", we meant it.
We have gone through a great deal as husband and wife in our 19 years of marriage. After the loss of our second son, Andrew in 1993, the chaplaincy at Duke University Hospital gave us several booklets and pamphlets that dealt with the loss of a child and the grief process we could expect to face. A few weeks later I came across them one day while cleaning. Since I'm easily distracted (especially when I'm cleaning!), something on one of the covers caught my attention. As I read, I was stunned to learn that nearly 50% of all marriages end in divorce within a few years of the loss of a child. That was really sad to me. Over the years Dan and I have monitored the divorce rate as part of our ministry research. The rate of divorce is holding steady or slightly higher than the 50% mark for couples who suffer any type of tragedy -- illness of a spouse or child, caring for a special needs child, financial difficulty, etc. In the 19 years of our marriage we have faced the deaths of 4 babies, 5 job lay offs and other financial stresses, major ministry challenges, and several health scares for both of us. Any one of these things would have done in some marriages. How have we been able to "stay together" through ALL of this?
- Faith in God. Romans 8:26, Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Romans 8:28, And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. The Lord has revealed some things to us and shown us how some of these events have worked in His plans; but, there are still some areas where we just cannot see the hand of God. We both committed as teenagers to follow God's will and what He had for our lives... no matter what, no matter who. Those individual commitments to God as teens were very important for our future lives together.
- Commitment to each other. Genesis 2:23, 24, And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. It was "spooky" before we were married when we could finish each others sentences. Now, after 19 years of marriage, there are times I wonder if we have developed mind reading capabilities. (We haven't, but... there are times!) One of the best decisions we ever made was to move to Michigan our first year of marriage. Why? Both sets of parents were in Florida. We did not have the luxury of "running home to mama and daddy". Nor did we have to cope with unsolicited advice or demands for audience that so many newly (or not-so-newly) married couples do. When the tough times came, we had to deal with them... together. When the disagreements came, we had to solve them... together. We established our own family traditions and routines without interference or outside expectations... together. The only third party in our relationship is God. We have become one... physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
- We "fight" fair. One of the books that we had to read in our marriage counseling was Good 'n' Angry by Les Carter. As a young lady in love I just couldn't imagine ever having a fight with my beloved. Over the years I can't really say that we have had any real major "fights", but we've had some rather loud disagreements. There are no two people on the planet who will agree together on every issue; in a marriage, it is no different.
- We protect our relationship. We do not allow anyone, family member, friend or stranger, to attack the other. If we differ on a matter, no one else will know so as not to use that issue as a potential weapon to fracture the marriage relationship; we are a united front as far as anyone is concerned. We know each others passwords to keep us honest or share accounts; temptations lurk everywhere. As a wife, I am ever vigilant to respect my husband at all times, including with the "girls". One of the worst things a wife can do is to join in "husband-bashing" or "men-bashing" conversations. These conversations do nothing but tear down the relationship you have with your husband. Men need respect, women need love.
On this day of remembering our marriage, I want to thank my husband for being such a faithful man to God's Word and His will. Dan, you are the light of my life, the joy of my heart. Your are my best friend and my lover. I love you and am so privileged to be your wife. Happy Anniversary!!
