Teaching a Life of Excellence

This last week you may have seen the news story about the young man who was denied the bonus money in Final Jeopardy for misspelling the correct answer. He wasn't in the running to win the whole show, only for extra money. The uproar against host Alex Trebek and the show has been... well, I should say "unbelievable," but I'm afraid I'm not shocked.

In a world where kids are given awards for “best art project for Spring” or “best writing of the letter ‘A’” is it any wonder that we have kids who cannot handle disappointment and defeat? This is why I'm not, nor have ever been, a fan of "everyone gets a trophy" in little league. From what I’ve been led to understand, the same is now true for school end-of-year award ceremonies. EVERYONE must receive at least one certificate or trophy regardless of the insignificance of the “accomplishment”; the former ‘build-their-little-egos’ go-to “participation” award no longer suffices.

Sadly, I’ve seen this world philosophy filter into our churches as well. Children’s ministry award nights have become ridiculous. One church actually gave out “perfect attendance” awards for MISSING one or fewer club meetings. How can we then stand and teach of God’s perfection when we have clearly redefined “perfection?” Kids are far smarter than we give them credit. They do understand when we say one thing and do another which leads to confused kids. They know when they receive an award that is phony and insignificant.

Disappointments come. Failures occur. Someone just may be better at something than you are. Learning how to deal with these things as a child only helps them be a stronger less reliant on society adult.

I once misspelled a word on a Spanish test. Instead of a 100, I received a 98. The answer was correct, simply misspelled. A fellow student also misspelled the same answer, but received credit for it. (Their grade was not nearly as high.) I asked the teacher about it. Her thickly Cuban accented reply, "Melissa, you are such a good student. I expect better of you." That made a HUGE impact on me... not negatively, but to encourage me to live a life striving for the best, not perfection, but of excellence. (Thank you, Mrs. Richardson, for the life lesson!!)

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12

The purpose of “everyone should receive an award so that they don’t feel bad about themselves” sounds like a good idea. But, it only sounds like it. Satan is the great liar. He takes God’s truth and twists it ever so slightly to appeal to our sinful nature… without our realizing or identifying it. That’s what he did to Eve; it is what he does today.

No one wants to lose, but an award for doing nothing or for a mediocre performance, over time, will be more demoralizing than learning to deal with the loss, disappointment, and failure at the time that it happens.

Instead, let’s focus on what the Bible teaches regarding accomplishments.

1. Remember to do all to the glory of God. Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31

2. Work with a spirit of excellence in mind. Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest. Ecclesiastes 9:10

3. Our reaction to disappointments and struggles is a testimony revealing our character. …7b there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. 8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. 9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. 2 Corinthians 12:7b-10

4. We must be faithful in little things in order to receive greater rewards. His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. Matthew 25:21

5. The Lord uses our disappointments, losses, and failures to His glory. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

6. Sometimes, God uses struggles to drive us closer to Him. 8 For we would not, brethren, have you ignorant of our trouble which came to us in Asia, that we were pressed out of measure, above strength, insomuch that we despaired even of life: 9 But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God which raiseth the dead: 2 Corinthians 1:8-9

Teaching our children these lessons when disappointments, trials, losses, and struggles come during the training years will net us adult children ready to move forward into the world with a strong sense of Who God is, who they are in Him, and a willingness to trust Him in both the good times and the bad.

The Offender and the Offended

At some point in our lives, someone has done something in which we felt we were hurt or betrayed. We felt that our “rights” were trampled upon. We may have actually been wronged, suffering loss in someway whether by a damaged reputation, loss of finances or by damaging relationships with those closest to us.

We were offended.

Conversely, at some point in our lives, we have been the one that caused hurt feelings or betrayed someone. We disrespected another making them to feel as if their “rights” were trampled upon. We did damage another’s reputation, caused an individual to suffer financial loss, or created a rift not only in the relationship between the two but also between that individual and others.

We were the offender.

Matthew 5:23-24 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest 

that thy brother hath ought against thee; 24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; 

first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.

In Matthew 5:23-24, we see that it is the responsibility of the offender to go make it right with the one offended. Notice, it says that if “thy brother hath ought against thee.” This would include offenses that may only be a perceived offense, a miscommunication, or misunderstanding. If we did sin against another individual or if we simply know that someone is upset with us, it is OUR responsibility to go to the person to make it right.

Those of us who were offended agree wholeheartedly with these verses. The offender should take responsibility because they are the one who sinned. After all, I didn’t do anything wrong. I was wronged. They hurt my feelings. However,…

Matthew 18:15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault 

between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

As the one who was offended, we bear an equal responsibility in restoring the relationship. If someone offends us in some manner, it is OUR responsibility to go to that individual to restore the relationship.

So, what you are saying is that no matter if I was offended or if I were the offender, if there is a rift in a relationship I am responsible for trying to restore it?

Yes.

But, what if they don’t want to listen? What if they don’t want to make it right?

Matthew 18:16-17 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

Matthew 18:16-17 are the verses that most people will jump to for an offense, regardless of the severity of the offense. However, we need to examine if the offense truly rises to that level, the level of church discipline. Often, it does not. We make mountains out of molehills. We blow up a minor disagreement into world war.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 8 Charity never faileth:

We must rely on charity (love) in these situations. Some offenses are so minor that we should simply let them go. Be the bigger person.

1 John 4:11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.

Nineteen times in the New Testament we are told to love one another usually, in context, reminding us that we are to love one another as Christ loved us. How can we possibly hold an offense over someone when God has forgiven us of so much more?

Proverbs 18:19 A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city: 

and their contentions are like the bars of a castle.

But, I’ve gone to them. They don’t want to make it right. They don’t want to restore the relationship.

Romans 12:18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

If we have done all we can to restore a relationship, whether it is to let pass the least offense or gone to the person in order to reconcile the relationship, then our final responsibility is to live as peaceably as possible with the individual. In some cases, it may mean simply staying away from the individual as much as possible. But if you must interact with the person, follow the principle found in the final verses of Romans 12.

Romans 12:19-21 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. 20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; 

if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. 

21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

We are imperfect beings. We are going to be hurt and we are going to offend others. It is our responsibility, regardless of which side of the situation we find ourselves, to shore up relationships. Why? Because we are brothers and sisters in the Lord. We must be an example to a lost and dying world of the love of Christ. We cannot accomplish that if we are bickering and fighting amongst ourselves, or are holding grudges and being unforgiving.

Ephesians 4:1-3 I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you 

that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called, 

2 With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering,  

forbearing one another in love; 

3 Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

Psalm 133:1 Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!

Serving, Helping, or Fixing?

Not too long ago I read an article in which the author described the difference between serving, helping, or fixing. The context was not spiritual in nature, but the application that I took away from it definitely was.

In our several decades of ministry, we have heard repeatedly, “What can I be in charge of for _(event)_?” Just fill in the blank for whatever event that there can be in a church. While I’m sure the individuals were sincere in their question, we have since learned that the interpretation of that question by the individual often meant something entirely different from what we had in mind.

You see, the phrase “in charge of” implies that you will be the one to whom others answer. You will dictate the agenda, the details, the organizing. If you are the one organizing the entire event then that phrase is appropriate to use. The person “in charge” is the one who will be held accountable. This person will be the one who will have to answer if things do not go well. This person will be the one who will receive the accolades when things do go well.

But, not everyone can be “in charge” -- especially when organizing a Vacation Bible School, Sunday school, Junior Church, a banquet, a conference, etc. Even a bee hive knows there is one queen but many workers. In the church, confusion should not reign. 1 Corinthians 14:33, For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.

So, we have tried to throw out the phrase “in charge of” when asking someone to assist in the ministry. One church we know uses the phrase “responsible opportunity to serve.” I think that is the best way to approach asking others to assist. Why? Let’s look at the differences between the words fixing, helping, and serving.

When we think of the word “fixing,” we think of repairing something that is broken. Instead of focusing on the whole, we only see a part. Instead of accepting the person, result, or thing, we make a judgment. We can only perceive that something is wrong which therefore needs our assistance to make right. Fixing creates a distance in relationship; the one being “fixed” will not feel able to attain our level. “If you would only do it this way…” Our attitude is not one of holiness, but of holier than thou.

The most popular word that we hear is “help.” “How can I help?” This implies that the person to whom the request is made is unable to achieve the goal without me. When we have the attitude of helping, we imply that there is inequality in the relationship. We use our own strength, talent, or capability to assist someone with lesser strength, talent, or capability. We act only in those areas where we are strong; we do not consider areas where we might need to stretch and grow. We do not volunteer to help if we perceive someone else with greater talents and abilities than us; we do not want to be shown up. We also show that we are unwilling to learn something new. We "help" to improve our ego; we "help" to improve others opinions about us.

Helping also suggests that “you owe me one.” The individual that we help incurs a debt. We attach strings to our actions, our money, and our time. “I don’t think we should spend the church’s money that way.” “I’ve already been to church three times this week plus an extra choir practice.” We see our help as entitlement to have a say. When we help, we have a sense of satisfaction in what “we have done.” Our help becomes self-centered rather than Christ-centered.

The word “serving,” however, is much different. It is unnatural. A servant heart attitude is knowing we are being used for something that is greater than we are. A servant does not expect anything in return. Servants forget about their strengths and weaknesses; servants give their all, their whole self. A servant comes alongside another willing to do what is necessary to get the job done. A servant does not feel the need to be “in charge;” they are content to be the hands, the feet, and the body to accomplish the goal.

We can fix and help without serving. We can serve without fixing or helping. The three can appear very similar to those around us. The difference is internal; it is about the heart. We can delude ourselves into thinking that we are serving. Fixing and helping is about us, the ego. Serving is about the soul, our relationship with Christ, and others.

How do we know when we have gone from serving to fixing or helping? Fixing and helping is draining. We consume ourselves; after a time, we have nothing more to give. We burn out; we may even think about quitting. We see life as broken and individuals as weak. Serving, on the other hand, sustains us. We see life as whole. We use our experiences, suffering, grief, joys, and accomplishments to serve the needs of others. We are able to serve willingly because we have something to share. In giving of ourselves with no thought of receiving anything in return, we are filled with a renewed and unexplainable strength from the Lord. It is supernatural.

As I thought about these three words, I was reminded I needed to make sure that I am serving… not fixing and helping. Do I limit my service because I don’t want to step out of my comfort zone? Do I limit my service because someone else is more talented than I am? Is my tiredness in ministry because I am serving from the point of view of self? Am I doing so much in order to build self in the eyes of others? Do I willing volunteer when I see a need or when the need is presented? Am I looking for a place to serve or a place to help and fix? These are hard questions but necessary for anyone… whether in full-time ministry, a layworker, or a church member. Which word describes you today?