The Stages of Grief

No one is immune from the effects of death. Family, friends, co-workers, even an entire community can be affected by the loss of one person. The closer in relationship to the deceased, the more stages of grief you will feel and the longer it will take to go through them. It is important that we are familiar with these stages, not so that we can check them off a list as they occur, but to know that these stages are normal responses. The danger comes when someone seems to get "stuck" on a particular stage causing them to be unable to move forward.

The stages of grief are not a checklist nor will they necessarily occur in order, or in the same order, for each individual. Some may vacillate between several for a while; others may repeat stages. There is no real time frame for "when it will all be over," either. However, it is recommended to not make major decisions for at least a year following the death of someone very close to you.

Most counselors recognize five stages of grief. These are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

1. Denial. This is the initial stage. There is shock and disbelief as we first learn of the news. People may initially feel numb. "Why is this happening?" "You must be wrong." "I don't believe it." Denial is a buffer zone, a self-defense, for our minds to be able to slow down and process the information that is coming in. It is important to not sugar-coat necessary information. Speak the truth, but with love and compassion. While those facing the news of the death of a loved one will more quickly accept the news, those facing the news of a terminal illness may attempt to ignore the diagnosis, pushing off decisions that need to be made.
2. Anger. In this stage, the individual may express his anger in outward ways. Shouting, throwing things, and verbal attacks are good examples. Blame may be placed on people - the doctors, the person who died, those that were with their loved one, even God. Many people turn their anger inward which is known as guilt. "I should have seen the signs." "If only I had,...." Guilt may also occur if the person is angry at the deceased. "Why did you leave me?" When dealing with someone in the anger stage it is important to not take it personally should the anger and rage be turned on you. Try to remain non-judgmental.
3. Bargaining. An individual may try to reach a deal for a different outcome. "I'll do anything..." "I'll give my life, money, etc." There may also be statements of "If only..." The person may secretly try to bargain with God to change the outcome. Bargaining is another defense mechanism in order to help come to acceptance.
4. Depression. Loneliness, hopelessness, utter sadness, fear, regret. "Why bother..." "I can't go on." A person may refuse visitors, may spend most of their time in tears, and may not be able to function in their normal routine. These are all a part of depression. We must understand that the depression that occurs following a loss is not the same as clinical depression. However, it is important to note that those who seem to stay in this stage too long may have slipped into clinical depression which may warrant intervention. Remember, though, there is not a time frame to go through the depression stage. Once someone reaches this stage they are beginning to accept the new reality.
5. Acceptance. Those who reach this stage are not "cured." They simply have come to the place where they can move on with life. While the grief over the loss of their loved one will always be with them, they can now pick up and adjust to life without them. 

Not everyone who experiences a loss is able to move on to acceptance. Some remain in the anger, bargaining, or depression stage indefinitely. Those who seem "stuck" may need additional counseling or more support from those around them. Those who attend church may want to speak with their pastor for help in this area. There are also numerous support groups consisting of individuals who have suffered similar loss available today. GriefShare is one such group that deals specifically with those who have suffered the death of a spouse, child, family member or friend.

Again, these "stages" are not check marks on a check list. Once you have "gone through them all" does not mean you have completely healed. Grief is a life long journey; it may appear at any time, without warning, throughout your lifetime. A good illustration is that of recuperating from an injury. While the injury may have healed, pain from it may occur without warning; it is a weak place in the body susceptible to recurrences. All of us at one time or another will experience grief. The important thing to remember is that it is normal.

I am including links to other posts that may help those suffering loss and those who minister to those suffering loss:

What Causes Grief?

On Losing a Child... Twenty Years Later

The Reality of Depression and Its Signs

When You Don't Know What to Say... by Cary Schmidt

What Causes Grief?

Often we may think that only death causes grief. This simply is not true. Grief can be experienced on many different levels for a variety of reasons.

Life changes.

• Death of a spouse.
• Death of a parent.
• Miscarriage or the death of a child.
• Giving a child up for adoption.
• Moving. Particularly difficult for children, first-year college students, newly marrieds, and the elderly.
• Death of a pet.

Relationships.

• Dating break-up, particularly if it was a long relationship.
• Marriage. Some people feel loss because their relationship has changed which may bring changes with other relationships. Some may feel a loss of independent decision making.
• Birth of a child. Some feel a loss of independent decision making. Some resent lifestyle changes.
• Divorce and separation. Not only are the adults affected, but the children and extended family are affected.
• Empty-nesting. When a child leaves home, many parents experience varying levels of grief.
• A way-ward child.
• Friendships. Sometimes friendships end, whether due to arguments or geographical changes.

Health. (These may affect not only the patient but also those that love them and will be caregivers.)

• Diagnosis of a chronic or terminal illness, whether personally or that of a loved one.
• Diagnosis of a disorder or medical condition of a child that would cause life-long care, and the loss of the life the parents had hoped for their child.
• Diagnosis of infertility.
• Personal injury resulting in drastic lifestyle changes and disability.
• Personal injury resulting in temporary changes.
• Aging. Some grieve the loss of strength, loss of physical appearance or independence.

Work or School.

• Failing an exam or failure in a project.
• Loss of position or promotion.
• Increase in work load or responsibility.
• Change of job or school.
• Graduation.
• Job loss.
• Retirement.

Other forms of change.

• An act of violence.
• Loss of home or possessions due to natural disaster or accident.
• Financial loss due to national economic collapse, stock market crash, banking issues, etc.
• Change in habits or lifestyle such as quitting smoking, changing diet for health reasons, cutting back spending due to economic loss, etc.

You may look at the lists above and think that some of them are a bit "over reaching" in describing them as "grief-causers." We need to remember that each person is different and, therefore, will respond to the above situations in their own way.

For example, a week or so after Nathan graduated from Kindergarten, he broke out in hives. Although we tried to rule out anything and everything, the hives persisted through over the counter treatment. We took him to the doctor. She checked him and took a history. She asked if he had just graduated from Kindergarten. We said yes. She told us that many times children have difficulty changing their routines, especially when they know that they would not be returning to what they knew as "normal." The hives, in this case, were the physical way to express what he could not express verbally. She gave him some medicine to deal with the hives and encouraged us to keep him talking about the changes and what to expect in the future. {We were switching to homeschooling.} In a way, it was part of his grieving the loss of what he knew.

When we hear of someone experiencing any of the above situations, remember to encourage them. Send a card, make a phone call, buy a bag of groceries, send a pizza (pre-paid, of course!), offer child care -- there are so many things that we can do to help and encourage someone who is suffering from a grief-causing situation.

I am including links to other posts that may help those suffering loss and those who minister to those suffering loss:

On Losing a Child... Twenty Years Later

The Stages of Grief

The Reality of Depression and Its Signs

When You Don't Know What to Say... by Cary Schmidt

How Do You Respond to Lies? (Part 2)

There have been times in my life when I felt that I was suddenly dropped into opposite world. Conversations and events that I was a part of, along with others, were completely turned around. The actions or words that were falsely attributed to me were the very actions or words of those who were repeating the matter in a false way. Some of these situations were harder to take when other individuals, who had been present in the original situation, for fear or perhaps lack of character, began agreeing with the liars. Then, there were those who believed the lie without doing any due diligence by coming to me to seek out the truth.

We used to live in a society of innocent until proven guilty. However, that is no longer the case. All it takes is for a few people to make disparaging remarks or attribute actions that were not committed by the individual and someone’s reputation, business, ministry, or family is damaged. We are more willing to believe the bad about people than we are to believe the good.

In Part 1 of this series, we learned what the Bible says about liars. We now will examine what the Bible says our response to lies should be.

First, anyone who hears disparaging remarks about someone has a biblical responsibility. That responsibility is thoroughly covered in the blog post, Protecting Yourself from Being an Unknowing Gossip. 

Additionally, we must follow biblical principles regarding lying.

**Hate lies; love truth.

• Psalm 119:104, Through thy precepts I get understanding: therefore I hate every false way.

• Psalm 119:128, Therefore I esteem all thy precepts concerning all things to be right; and I hate every false way.

**Focus our hearts on seeking truth.

• Philippians 4:8, Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

• Proverbs 4:23, Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. 

**Remove liars from your life. In other words, run; run far away from a liar.

• Psalm 101:7, He that worketh deceit shall not dwell within my house: he that telleth lies shall not tarry in my sight.

• Proverbs 4:24, Put away from thee a froward mouth, and perverse lips put far from thee.

• Proverbs 17:4, A wicked doer giveth heed to false lips; and a liar giveth ear to a naughty tongue.

**Do not allow yourself to become entwined in falsehoods or situations in which someone is destroying the life, reputation, business, or ministry of another. 

• Exodus 23:7, Keep thee far from a false matter; and the innocent and righteous slay thou not: for I will not justify the wicked.

But, what if I am the victim of lies?

We have excellent examples to follow in God’s Word when we are faced with the trial of lies.

**Jesus, Himself, was falsely accused, yet He answered not.

• Matthew 27:12, And when he was accused of the chief priests and elders, he answered nothing.

**Stephen, in the budding church in Acts, is another example. The disciples appointed Stephen, along with six other men, to be the first deacons. Acts 6:8, And Stephen, full of faith and power, did great wonders and miracles among the people. Nevertheless, men of the synagogue disputed with Stephen and could not overcome his wisdom and spirit. (Acts 6:9-10) These men stirred up the people against Stephen. The word “suborned” in verse 11 means they bribed men to lie. 

• Acts 6:11, 13, Then they suborned men, which said, We have heard him speak blasphemous words against Moses, and against God. 13 And set up false witnesses, which said, This man ceaseth not to speak blasphemous words against this holy place, and the law: 

Instead of defending himself when allowed to speak, Stephen presents salvation through the history of the Jewish people. (Acts 7:1-53) Despite cutting through to their hearts (conviction), they turned on him, took him out, and stoned him. Sometimes, we may suffer wrongs when we serve our Savior.

**King David is a prime Old Testament example of facing liars. From King Saul to his own son, Absalom, David was lied about and had many conspirators against him. When King Saul came after him, David was careful not to touch God’s anointed. King Saul may not have been following God, but David knew it was not his place to correct or address him. When Absalom stole the hearts of the people away from King David, David stepped aside, leaving his position as king in the hands of God. Throughout Psalms, we see David pray for those who lied, focus on the Lord, and leave the outcome of judgment in the Lord’s hands.

• Psalm 63:9-11, But those that seek my soul, to destroy it, shall go into the lower parts of the earth. ¹⁰ They shall fall by the sword: they shall be a portion for foxes.¹¹ But the king shall rejoice in God; every one that sweareth by him shall glory: but the mouth of them that speak lies shall be stopped.

It is difficult when we are being lied about, having errant rumors spread about us, and having our names and reputations tarnished, at the very least. However, Jesus tells us how to handle these situations.

Matthew 5:11-12  Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. ¹² Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

When we decide to take a stand to do right, to follow the Lord and His Word, will and way, we will suffer wrongs for His sake. Remember, God is our defense. He will protect us and judge those who insist on remaining in wickedness, often catching them in their own web of lies.

Psalm 5:9-12  For there is no faithfulness in their mouth; their inward part is very wickedness; their throat is an open sepulchre; they flatter with their tongue. ¹⁰ Destroy thou them, O God; let them fall by their own counsels; cast them out in the multitude of their transgressions; for they have rebelled against thee. ¹¹ But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee. ¹² For thou, Lord, wilt bless the righteous; with favour wilt thou compass him as with a shield.

For the rest of this series, follow the links below:

What Does the Bible Say about Lying? (Part 1) 

Who is Really Hurt by Lying? (Part 3)