Preparing MOM for College

Ah, Spring! It’s almost here. Birds chirping, fresh green leaves on the trees, fuzzy chicks, ducks, and bunnies everywhere. The beginning of so many things -- new growth, new births -- newness abounds.

Unless you are the mother of a high school senior. In this case, it is the “lasts” of things. Our focus is on the never again’s. The last ball game. The last report card. The last prom. The last concert. The last recital. As the days of April and May speed by so do the “lasts”.

Psst. Mom. From a mom who has been there, it WILL be okay. Tears are going to come. Let them. Let your kid see them. Just keep boxes of tissues everywhere you may find yourself – the car, the sofa, by the bed, in your purse, at your desk, etc. But, do one thing for me, for them. Change the attitude. Do not allow yourself to focus on the sad tears of it all being over. Instead, let the tears fall as happy tears of what has been accomplished. Your child has accomplished a great deal. Twelve years of education (13 or 14 depending on kindergarten)! You have accomplished something. You have reared a child to adulthood! CeLeBrAtE!!

In August or September, many new, young adults will head off to college (some to military service)… and leave mom at home. In September, 2010 I was that mom. Not only did he leave me at home, he left us an empty nest. At the ripe “old” age of 42, my husband and I found ourselves empty-nesters. But for us, we realized it before it was to be a shock. And we prepared. So, Mom, let me share my infinite wisdom on this matter. Well, maybe, not infinite, just what helped us with the transition.

When the Young Man began 9^th grade, the first year of high school, I had the “light-bulb moment” that he would be graduating in four years. Four years is not a long time. Four years before he had been in 5^th grade. Now he’s in 9^th? How did that happen? I also realized that would mean a BIG change in our house. No more kids at home!!! Woo Hoo! {Trust me, you will embrace that eventually. :-)}

In all seriousness, I was concerned. I was a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom who only worked outside of the home a total of one year or so up until then. Although I had a teaching degree, I did not see myself going back into the classroom. I also knew that many mothers do not handle this transition well. At all. I didn’t want to be one of “those” mothers. What was a girl to do? We began thinking about it, off and on, for the next several years, came up with a “plan” and began preparing ourselves for the “just us” days.

1.   Land the helicopter. Maybe you have heard of the term “helicopter parent”. If not, briefly explained, it is over-parenting. It is a parent who pays extremely close attention to their child's experiences and problems. These parents intervene with peers, teachers, coaches, administrators, and in some cases, bosses, if they feel their child is not treated fairly. They are very overprotective; they would prefer their child not face any adversity, have any hurts. This is not healthy. Children and teens who do not learn how to take up for themselves become adults who cannot take care of themselves. Your role as a parent will change from dictator to that of advisory council when your child leaves the nest. Begin at every opportunity possible when they are children and teens to advise them without interfering. In other words, unless it is a matter of safety, let them fight their own battles.

2.   Prepare for the change in family dynamics. Just as your family dynamics changed as you added each child, they will change again as each child leaves the nest. In our case, we went from a family of three to a family of two in one fell swoop. It was an adjustment to cook for two again; cooking for a teenage boy is like cooking for five. House chores were different. Laundry for two doesn’t take as long as for three. The family calendar cleared dramatically. Many adjustments were made on the home front. If you have more children at home, life will be different. Prepare for those changes just as you did when you added the baby.

3.   Prepare for the silence. This is especially true if this is an only child or your last one at home. When they go off for a week of camp, don’t go with them as the chap. While they are gone, take a day and turn off all appliances and noise makers. Hear that? Yep. That is the sound of silence. Embrace it. It is not the enemy. I have found that my 45 year old brain relishes the peace and calmness of that silence. This has been a time of great spiritual growth, self-discovery, and of picking up dreams put aside when the child came along. It is a new season of life, a new beginning for me as well.

4.   Plan for a “new” you. What are you going to do with all the extra time? That was the question I asked myself. Make a list of hobbies you might like to try… crochet, knitting, painting, etc. What volunteer opportunities are available for you in your area? Church? Retirement home? Hospital? If you have always been a stay at home mom, you may want to consider getting a job. Update your work skills. Take classes. Change careers if you have been at the same occupation for a time. I believe that all of us have a secret dream of some sort. What is yours? Why not use this time to do something about it?

5.   Not all the sadness is because the child has left the nest. One aspect that many moms do not consider is that there are serious hormonal changes taking place in our bodies as our children leave the nest. Whether peri-menopause or menopause, these changes wreck havoc with us physically and emotionally. As we would recommend a new mom to have her hormones checked for post-partum depression, it might be a good idea to have your hormones checked during the emptying of the nest as well. Extreme fatigue, sadness, and even depression could be signs that hormonal changes are taking place on top of the emotions you are feeling as your child leaves home.

6.   If you haven’t learned it yet, learn to say NO. When your child calls home homesick, upset, and otherwise ready to come home, say, “No.” It isn’t easy, especially when they are crying. Your heart will break. You will cry when you hang up the phone. But be strong… for them. Because when you can encourage them through this inevitable aspect of leaving home for an extended period, you will teach them to be strong. You can ask our Young Man. He knew BEFORE we left him at college that quitting was not an option. Still, he called. Still, he asked, prefacing it with, “I know, I know, I can’t come home, but…” And today, he is ever grateful that we pushed him to push through.

7.   Prepare to hear the words, “I wish I had listened,” or “You were right.” YES!! It is TRUE!! It makes those junior high and high school years worth it… well, maybe not worth it, but at least you now will feel appreciated. That first semester or two these words were sweeter to my ears than, “I love you, Mom.” Hang in there, mom.

8.   Prepare for the retirement years. Yes, that’s right, and I don't mean financially. The fastest growing segment of population heading to divorce court is that of the retiree. Why? Well, after the nest empties, the Mrs. has her routine, the Mr. went off to work with his routine. They saw one another only a few hours a day. THEN… retirement. The Mr. is now home all.the.time! Where is the Mrs.'s peace and quiet that she learned to embrace once the kids left? If you have not been in the habit of a date night, start one. Run errands together. Take weekends away. Take vacations together. Make out on the couch… remember, NO KIDS to say, “Ewww!” No more worries about having to lock doors (wink, wink). Stay connected with your husband. Don’t allow your relationship to drift apart searching for something to keep you occupied after the kids leave the nest.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

What is the purpose of parenting? It is to “train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6) We are to teach our children to leave our nest to go start their own. We are to teach our children to serve God. If we have followed God’s Word in the area of equipping them in God’s Word then we have done well. This is a new season for all, both parent and child. God has a purpose. Rest in that purpose.

365 Days

One year. 365 days. Seems like a long time, doesn’t it? I’m still trying to figure out what happened to 2012. Many plans accomplished, some still in progress, some never begun. In the next few days, many of us will pull out our new calendars to fill them in. Others will make resolutions in many different areas, particularly health and fitness goals. I would like to challenge you to consider making some spiritual goals.

One of the questions that has stuck with me the most over the years is: are you closer to the Lord now than you were a year ago? It is a convicting question. Regardless of where we are in our Christian journey, there is room for improvement.

Below are suggestions to consider as spiritual goals. Remember, it takes 3 to 4 weeks for a habit to be established. Choose one or more, but, instead of trying to accomplish multiple goals at the same time, spread them out over months. When one goal becomes a habit, add the next. Don’t be discouraged if you slip up, Satan likes to use that to defeat you. Just pick up where you left off. Most of all, ask the Lord to help you accomplish the goal for Him.

Daily devotional reading. If you are just beginning, don’t try to do too much at first. You will become discouraged. Read a Proverbs a day to get you going. Choose a verse to dwell on for the day. (Often the verse “chooses” you.) If you are experienced in this area, change up your devotional routine; do something different. Try a word study. Choose a passage of Scripture to go through word by word. Thoroughly study a Bible principle or doctrine.

Read through the Bible. This goal is great for establishing discipline in our lives as well as familiarizing us with God’s Word. However, if you are like me, you may find yourself struggling once you reach the genealogies. There are numerous plans available for reading the Bible. Most Bible reading plans are for a year, but there are those set up for as long as 3 years to as little as 90 days. Some plans provide variety by reading a little from the Old Testament and New Testament each day. One plan in particular that I find helpful, especially for beginners or those project oriented, is the Read through the Bible Plan for Shirkers and Slackers. Although not calendar based, it does have specific sections of the Bible to read each day.

Shake up your prayer life. Our prayer life is very important. Prayer is our way of communicating with our Lord and Savior. There are several aspects and areas you may want to consider improving through the year.

• Conversational prayer. The Bible says to pray without ceasing. To do this we in essence have a running conversation with the Lord all day. As you are cleaning, driving, or working simple talk to the Lord about what you are doing. If someone comes to mind, pray for them. Believe it or not, you do not need to know details of a person's situation to effectively pray for them. The Lord already knows; ask Him to help and encourage them even though you don't know the reason.
• Corporate prayer. Are you terrified of being called on to pray in a social setting? Ask the Lord to help you step out of your comfort zone this year to pray when asked in a group.
• Closet prayer. This type of prayer is specific time set aside to pray for others as well as needs. Establish an organized way in which to pray for requests whether a journal, note cards, or prayer list. Date entries when added and when answered. This tool will encourage you when you are discouraged.
• Prayer and fasting. Many people are afraid of this area of prayer. Typically, fasting does mean going without food for a period of time with the mindset of setting that time aside to get hold of God for a specific need. It requires sacrifice on our part. Fasting does not necessarily mean you need to go a day or more without sustenance. You may choose to go without one meal each day for a few days or longer setting aside the time you would have had for the meal for prayer. Some choose to go without a specific type of food for a period of time and also set aside a specific amount of time dedicated to pray for the request. If you have a health concern that may prevent you from a food fast, you could choose to fast from television, the internet, or other activity using that time instead to pray.

Commit to do. Each year thousands upon thousands of people commit to beginning a physical fitness goal. This can also be done with a spiritual goal. Commit to serve faithfully in a specific area for the Lord in your local church. If your church already has pre-scheduled weekly areas of service available to the church body such as church visitation, a letter writing ministry to missionaries or shut-ins, or any number of other ministries, start by becoming a faithful servant in one of these areas. If you are already faithful in one or more of these areas go to your pastor, explain your goal for the year, and ask if there is anything additional you can do at your church.

Change of diet. This is a case of the “garbage in, garbage out” rule. Re-evaluate your entertainment choices. Examine your relationships. What are your feeding your mind and soul? What goes in will eventually come out. In our physical diet, we are healthiest when we fill our bodies with good food; many diet gurus will also tell us to be careful of our relationships as some people tend to sabotage our diet and fitness goals. The same is true for our spiritual diet. We often wonder why we struggle with worry, anger, jealousy, among other things. A change in diet will do wonders.

Change your thinking. This is a bit more than a change of diet. This challenge will cause you to dig deep for what you truly believe. It will reveal worldly philosophies that have crept into your thinking and belief system polluting the absolute truth of God’s Word you thought you knew. To change your thinking you will need to start asking two new questions and remove one.

• Remove the question: what is wrong with that? All too often, when this question is asked it is with a rebellious attitude, however subtle it may be. (I should know, I’ve said it many times myself.) However, even if asked with an attitude of truly wanting the truth, the question leaves open the ability to rationalize the answer instead of providing absolute truth.
• Add the question: what is right with that? By changing your mindset to finding what is right with a situation you begin to train your heart, mind, and soul to accept only absolute truth as the answer. In other words, the Bible will become the final authority for each situation you face.
• Add the question: why? This question works in tandem with “what is right with that?” in that you must determine a few things. Every aspect of your life needs to have an answer to the question “why?” Why do you do what you do? Do you have a verse for your actions? Do you have a Bible principle that you stand on? Does your principle or action violate any other principle in the Bible? Why do you believe what you believe?  

These are only a few goals you may want to consider. But don't think you need to wait for January 1st. Choose any day: a birthday, anniversary or any random day. The day you begin doesn't really matter. What does matter is the answer a year later to this question: are you closer to the Lord now than you were a year ago?

Feel free to share spiritual goals you have done in the past or ones you may be considering now to encourage others. For a list of Bible reading plans, online devotionals, and other Bible study resources go to churchhelps.org Bible study page.

"All we can do is pray..."?

"All we can do is pray."

I've seen or heard that statement more times than I care to think about since the election results were announced. And it concerns me greatly. You see, that is not all we can do. It is not all we should be doing. I am hoping that the results of November 6th will sound as a wake up call to Christians... not denominations, churches, etc. Christians. Individuals. Christians who believe Jesus is the only answer. Christians who believe that Jesus did not come here to "solve our problems", political or otherwise, but that He came here to "seek and to save that which was lost" so that we can live eternally with God.

We've been told what to do in order to "heal our land." Yes, prayer is part of it. But there is so much more involved. God cannot hear us until we follow HIS plan. And that is something that we, Christian, are failing to do... over and over again.

If my people, which are called by my name, shall HUMBLE themselves, and PRAY, and SEEK my face, and TURN from their wicked ways; THEN will I HEAR from heaven, and will FORGIVE their sin, and will HEAL their land. ~ 2 Chronicles 7:14

Humble ourselves. Not an easy thing. Humble defined is not proud or haughty, not arrogant or assertive; reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference or submission. This certainly doesn't describe the world. Unfortunately, it does not describe the church. It doesn't describe many Christians either. This is evidenced by the actions of individuals in the church. It is evidenced by behaviors within the family. It is evidenced by Christian workers in the work place. We see authority usurped at every turn. We are not willing to be submissive. The word in this passage is a verb, an action verb. We must bring ourselves into subjection to the authorities that God has placed over us: the Bible as the foundation of all we do, husbands and fathers in the home (Eph. 5:24. 25; 6:1), pastors in the church (Heb. 13:17), bosses in the work place (Col. 3:22), and, yes, even government leaders (Romans 13). 

Pray. Yes, we can pray. But, we must HUMBLE ourselves AND PRAY. They are not separate here. They go together. He that turneth away his ear from hearing the law, even his prayer shall be abomination. (Proverbs 28:9) The LORD is far from the wicked: but he heareth the prayer of the righteous. (Proverbs 15:29) 

Seek. Again, another action verb. The definition of "seek" is to resort to, go to; to go in search of, look for, to try to discover; to ask for, request; to try to acquire or gain. Are we really seeking after God? How much time in a day do we spend in prayer and Bible study? Contrast that with other activities. Our nation isn't divided. We are divided within our own spirit. Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded. (James 4:8)

My face. Strong's Concordance also provides the words countenance, presence, and person for the word "face". Whose face are we to seek? The LORD's. The caps aren't an effort at emphasis. In the King James Bible when the word "LORD" is capitalized it stands for "Jehovah," the most special name of God. It is the LORD Who is speaking in 2 Chronicles 7:14. It is His face, His presence, His person who we are to seek.

Turn. The GPS has spoiled us. Now, if we are going the wrong way, that annoying voice simply says, "Recalculating," providing us with an alternate route. In the days before the GPS, we stopped and turned around. That is what we need to do today. We must stop "recalculating" trying to find an alternate path to what the LORD would have us do. Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. (Matthew 7:13-15) Turning also means to repent. Repenting isn't just saying, "I'm sorry." It is the act of not repeating the offense.

From our wicked ways. We think of wickedness as something that is morally very bad. Murder is a "big" one. "I haven't committed murder." Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him. (1 John 3:15) Adultery is another one where we may think we are okay. But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. (Matthew 5:28)  Paul tells the church of Colosse that they need to continue moving away from fornication, uncleanness, inordinate affection, evil concupiscence, and covetousness, which is idolatry: (Colossians 3:5) but that now they also need to put off anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth. Lie not one to another, seeing that ye have put off the old man with his deeds. (Colossians 3:8-9) God doesn't classify sins as "big" and "little". Sin is sin. Until we turn from what God considers wicked He will not hear us.

Just a little background on 2 Chronicles 7:14. Solomon had completed the temple, God's house, that his father, David, had desired to build. Solomon, the priests and Levites, and all the children of Israel spent days dedicating the temple. (2 Chronicles 5-7) In 2 Chronicles 6:14, Solomon begins praying, asking the LORD to come dwell in the house built for Him. (Today we would call this the church.) Now when Solomon had made an end of praying, the fire came down from heaven, and consumed the burnt offering and the sacrifices; and the glory of the Lord filled the house. (2 Chronicles 7:1) After the week of feasting ends, Solomon sends everyone home, happy and joyful that the work was done. The LORD comes to Solomon and tells him how to heal the land if judgment comes. He also warns Solomon, (2 Chronicles 7:19-22)

But if ye turn away, and forsake my statutes and my commandments, which I have set before you, and shall go and serve other gods, and worship them; Then will I pluck them up by the roots out of my land which I have given them; and this house, which I have sanctified for my name, will I cast out of my sight, and will make it to be a proverb and a byword among all nations. And this house, which is high, shall be an astonishment to every one that passeth by it; so that he shall say, Why hath the Lord done thus unto this land, and unto this house?

And it shall be answered, Because they forsook the Lord God of their fathers, which brought them forth out of the land of Egypt, and laid hold on other gods, and worshipped them, and served them: therefore hath he brought all this evil upon them.

We need to get our houses in order.

First, our own lives. What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? (1 Corinthians 6:19)

Second, our homes. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. (Ephesians 5:24-25) Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. (Ephesians 6:1)

Finally, our churches. Remember them which have the rule over you, who have spoken unto you the word of God: whose faith follow, considering the end of their conversation. Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you. (Hebrews 13:7, 17)

All we can do is pray? No, there is more, so much more.