Serving, Helping, or Fixing?

Not too long ago I read an article in which the author described the difference between serving, helping, or fixing. The context was not spiritual in nature, but the application that I took away from it definitely was.

In our several decades of ministry, we have heard repeatedly, “What can I be in charge of for _(event)_?” Just fill in the blank for whatever event that there can be in a church. While I’m sure the individuals were sincere in their question, we have since learned that the interpretation of that question by the individual often meant something entirely different from what we had in mind.

You see, the phrase “in charge of” implies that you will be the one to whom others answer. You will dictate the agenda, the details, the organizing. If you are the one organizing the entire event then that phrase is appropriate to use. The person “in charge” is the one who will be held accountable. This person will be the one who will have to answer if things do not go well. This person will be the one who will receive the accolades when things do go well.

But, not everyone can be “in charge” -- especially when organizing a Vacation Bible School, Sunday school, Junior Church, a banquet, a conference, etc. Even a bee hive knows there is one queen but many workers. In the church, confusion should not reign. 1 Corinthians 14:33, For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.

So, we have tried to throw out the phrase “in charge of” when asking someone to assist in the ministry. One church we know uses the phrase “responsible opportunity to serve.” I think that is the best way to approach asking others to assist. Why? Let’s look at the differences between the words fixing, helping, and serving.

When we think of the word “fixing,” we think of repairing something that is broken. Instead of focusing on the whole, we only see a part. Instead of accepting the person, result, or thing, we make a judgment. We can only perceive that something is wrong which therefore needs our assistance to make right. Fixing creates a distance in relationship; the one being “fixed” will not feel able to attain our level. “If you would only do it this way…” Our attitude is not one of holiness, but of holier than thou.

The most popular word that we hear is “help.” “How can I help?” This implies that the person to whom the request is made is unable to achieve the goal without me. When we have the attitude of helping, we imply that there is inequality in the relationship. We use our own strength, talent, or capability to assist someone with lesser strength, talent, or capability. We act only in those areas where we are strong; we do not consider areas where we might need to stretch and grow. We do not volunteer to help if we perceive someone else with greater talents and abilities than us; we do not want to be shown up. We also show that we are unwilling to learn something new. We "help" to improve our ego; we "help" to improve others opinions about us.

Helping also suggests that “you owe me one.” The individual that we help incurs a debt. We attach strings to our actions, our money, and our time. “I don’t think we should spend the church’s money that way.” “I’ve already been to church three times this week plus an extra choir practice.” We see our help as entitlement to have a say. When we help, we have a sense of satisfaction in what “we have done.” Our help becomes self-centered rather than Christ-centered.

The word “serving,” however, is much different. It is unnatural. A servant heart attitude is knowing we are being used for something that is greater than we are. A servant does not expect anything in return. Servants forget about their strengths and weaknesses; servants give their all, their whole self. A servant comes alongside another willing to do what is necessary to get the job done. A servant does not feel the need to be “in charge;” they are content to be the hands, the feet, and the body to accomplish the goal.

We can fix and help without serving. We can serve without fixing or helping. The three can appear very similar to those around us. The difference is internal; it is about the heart. We can delude ourselves into thinking that we are serving. Fixing and helping is about us, the ego. Serving is about the soul, our relationship with Christ, and others.

How do we know when we have gone from serving to fixing or helping? Fixing and helping is draining. We consume ourselves; after a time, we have nothing more to give. We burn out; we may even think about quitting. We see life as broken and individuals as weak. Serving, on the other hand, sustains us. We see life as whole. We use our experiences, suffering, grief, joys, and accomplishments to serve the needs of others. We are able to serve willingly because we have something to share. In giving of ourselves with no thought of receiving anything in return, we are filled with a renewed and unexplainable strength from the Lord. It is supernatural.

As I thought about these three words, I was reminded I needed to make sure that I am serving… not fixing and helping. Do I limit my service because I don’t want to step out of my comfort zone? Do I limit my service because someone else is more talented than I am? Is my tiredness in ministry because I am serving from the point of view of self? Am I doing so much in order to build self in the eyes of others? Do I willing volunteer when I see a need or when the need is presented? Am I looking for a place to serve or a place to help and fix? These are hard questions but necessary for anyone… whether in full-time ministry, a layworker, or a church member. Which word describes you today?

Protect Yourself from Being an Unknowing Gossip

Most of us know what gossip is… when it is about us. However, we sometimes have difficulty identifying it when we are in a conversation. A very informal definition of gossip might be a casual conversation about others which may involve details that are not confirmed as true. Often people gossip simply because they don’t know what else to say; they need to fill an awkward silence. Gossip is a problem in the workplace, in the church, and, yes, even in families.

Gossip is a divider of people, of co-workers, of friends, of family. Proverbs 16:28, A froward man soweth strife: and a whisperer separateth chief friends. Proverbs 17:9, He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.

Gossip hurts. Gossip causes a physical and emotional response in the victim. Gossip can affect people’s reputations, their jobs and livelihoods, and their relationships. Proverbs 18:8 and 26:22, The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly.

A gossip is notorious for denying talking about people or spreading rumors. It is very difficult to determine the originator of a rumor or false statement. Why? Because they make sure to be as sweet, loving, and concerned as can be to deflect attention away from them. Proverbs 20:19, He that goeth about as a talebearer revealeth secrets: therefore meddle not with him that flattereth with his lips.

As they say, “It takes two to tango.” Well, it takes two to gossip as well – the teller and the hearer. How do you protect yourself from being an unknowing gossip?

1. Guard your own conversation. It is in idle chit-chat where most gossip occurs. Those lulls in conversation do not need to be filled with “details.” If the conversation is over, either change the subject or move on. A good rule of thumb to follow: if the comments are not positive and uplifting, or the person being spoken about is not present, it shouldn’t be said. Matthew 12:36, But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.
2. Do not speculate. “Why wasn’t Gail at the ladies meeting?” “Well, you know her sister is in town and she is in some kind of trouble…. She probably had to help her.” Silly, isn’t it? But, it happens all the time. A simple, “I don’t know,” in response would suffice. Proverbs 17:4, A wicked doer giveth heed to false lips; and a liar giveth ear to a naughty tongue.
3. Stop the conversation by saying, “I don’t need to know.” In other words, you are telling the gossiper that you want no part of the conversation. A few times of hearing this phrase will assure you of being kept out of “the loop.” Proverbs 26:20, Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth.
4. Stop the conversation with praise and good words. If you are in a group where the phrase “I don’t need to know” may not be able to be used, you can deflect the gossip by speaking words of praise and good words about the person. “Why, I just can’t believe that about Sam. Yesterday, he was so nice to help me with the bags I was bringing into the building.”
5. Go to the person being talked about or whom the rumor may adversely affect. We have seen several situations that if the hearers of the rumors had gone to the victim immediately several church blow ups would have been avoided. After the damage had been done, several went to the victims, apologized, and said they thought the victim had known. Many times if this was done immediately much hurt, anger, bitterness, and false statements would be avoided. As Barney Fife says, “Nip it! Nip it in the bud!” Matthew 18:15-17, 15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. 16 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. If someone comes to you with a story about another, offer to go with him or her to the victim to find out the truth. More likely than not, the gossiper will not want to do so. Follow up on gossip and rumors. If someone comes to you with gossip, go to the person anyway. Often the victim is the last to know about what is being said. This simple act will do wonders for the victim. 
6. Accept that you do not need to know (or tell) all the details. Too often a “prayer request” turns into gossip. Those in ministry (full-time, part-time, and lay workers) often find themselves in situations where they are privy to many details. It is not your job to disseminate those details to others. If the person you are speaking to 1) is not part of the situation directly, or 2) is not able to help resolve the situation (authority figure), then do not repeat it to them. As for a “prayer request”, it is best to keep prayer requests as general as possible; God knows the details. Proverbs 11:13, A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter.
7. Remember, a talebearer is judged by God. Leviticus 19:16, Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbour; I am the Lord.

Today, society winks at gossip; we consider it part of our social discourse. In fact, some believe that gossip helps to keep society “in check.” But God doesn’t “wink” at gossip. Three of the seven things listed as abominations in Proverbs 6 deal with the tongue. God doesn’t “dislike” gossip… He HATES it. Oh that we would have His heart on this matter.

Proverbs 6:16-19, 16 These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: 17 A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, 18 An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, 19 A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.

Preparing MOM for College

Ah, Spring! It’s almost here. Birds chirping, fresh green leaves on the trees, fuzzy chicks, ducks, and bunnies everywhere. The beginning of so many things -- new growth, new births -- newness abounds.

Unless you are the mother of a high school senior. In this case, it is the “lasts” of things. Our focus is on the never again’s. The last ball game. The last report card. The last prom. The last concert. The last recital. As the days of April and May speed by so do the “lasts”.

Psst. Mom. From a mom who has been there, it WILL be okay. Tears are going to come. Let them. Let your kid see them. Just keep boxes of tissues everywhere you may find yourself – the car, the sofa, by the bed, in your purse, at your desk, etc. But, do one thing for me, for them. Change the attitude. Do not allow yourself to focus on the sad tears of it all being over. Instead, let the tears fall as happy tears of what has been accomplished. Your child has accomplished a great deal. Twelve years of education (13 or 14 depending on kindergarten)! You have accomplished something. You have reared a child to adulthood! CeLeBrAtE!!

In August or September, many new, young adults will head off to college (some to military service)… and leave mom at home. In September, 2010 I was that mom. Not only did he leave me at home, he left us an empty nest. At the ripe “old” age of 42, my husband and I found ourselves empty-nesters. But for us, we realized it before it was to be a shock. And we prepared. So, Mom, let me share my infinite wisdom on this matter. Well, maybe, not infinite, just what helped us with the transition.

When the Young Man began 9^th grade, the first year of high school, I had the “light-bulb moment” that he would be graduating in four years. Four years is not a long time. Four years before he had been in 5^th grade. Now he’s in 9^th? How did that happen? I also realized that would mean a BIG change in our house. No more kids at home!!! Woo Hoo! {Trust me, you will embrace that eventually. :-)}

In all seriousness, I was concerned. I was a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom who only worked outside of the home a total of one year or so up until then. Although I had a teaching degree, I did not see myself going back into the classroom. I also knew that many mothers do not handle this transition well. At all. I didn’t want to be one of “those” mothers. What was a girl to do? We began thinking about it, off and on, for the next several years, came up with a “plan” and began preparing ourselves for the “just us” days.

1.   Land the helicopter. Maybe you have heard of the term “helicopter parent”. If not, briefly explained, it is over-parenting. It is a parent who pays extremely close attention to their child's experiences and problems. These parents intervene with peers, teachers, coaches, administrators, and in some cases, bosses, if they feel their child is not treated fairly. They are very overprotective; they would prefer their child not face any adversity, have any hurts. This is not healthy. Children and teens who do not learn how to take up for themselves become adults who cannot take care of themselves. Your role as a parent will change from dictator to that of advisory council when your child leaves the nest. Begin at every opportunity possible when they are children and teens to advise them without interfering. In other words, unless it is a matter of safety, let them fight their own battles.

2.   Prepare for the change in family dynamics. Just as your family dynamics changed as you added each child, they will change again as each child leaves the nest. In our case, we went from a family of three to a family of two in one fell swoop. It was an adjustment to cook for two again; cooking for a teenage boy is like cooking for five. House chores were different. Laundry for two doesn’t take as long as for three. The family calendar cleared dramatically. Many adjustments were made on the home front. If you have more children at home, life will be different. Prepare for those changes just as you did when you added the baby.

3.   Prepare for the silence. This is especially true if this is an only child or your last one at home. When they go off for a week of camp, don’t go with them as the chap. While they are gone, take a day and turn off all appliances and noise makers. Hear that? Yep. That is the sound of silence. Embrace it. It is not the enemy. I have found that my 45 year old brain relishes the peace and calmness of that silence. This has been a time of great spiritual growth, self-discovery, and of picking up dreams put aside when the child came along. It is a new season of life, a new beginning for me as well.

4.   Plan for a “new” you. What are you going to do with all the extra time? That was the question I asked myself. Make a list of hobbies you might like to try… crochet, knitting, painting, etc. What volunteer opportunities are available for you in your area? Church? Retirement home? Hospital? If you have always been a stay at home mom, you may want to consider getting a job. Update your work skills. Take classes. Change careers if you have been at the same occupation for a time. I believe that all of us have a secret dream of some sort. What is yours? Why not use this time to do something about it?

5.   Not all the sadness is because the child has left the nest. One aspect that many moms do not consider is that there are serious hormonal changes taking place in our bodies as our children leave the nest. Whether peri-menopause or menopause, these changes wreck havoc with us physically and emotionally. As we would recommend a new mom to have her hormones checked for post-partum depression, it might be a good idea to have your hormones checked during the emptying of the nest as well. Extreme fatigue, sadness, and even depression could be signs that hormonal changes are taking place on top of the emotions you are feeling as your child leaves home.

6.   If you haven’t learned it yet, learn to say NO. When your child calls home homesick, upset, and otherwise ready to come home, say, “No.” It isn’t easy, especially when they are crying. Your heart will break. You will cry when you hang up the phone. But be strong… for them. Because when you can encourage them through this inevitable aspect of leaving home for an extended period, you will teach them to be strong. You can ask our Young Man. He knew BEFORE we left him at college that quitting was not an option. Still, he called. Still, he asked, prefacing it with, “I know, I know, I can’t come home, but…” And today, he is ever grateful that we pushed him to push through.

7.   Prepare to hear the words, “I wish I had listened,” or “You were right.” YES!! It is TRUE!! It makes those junior high and high school years worth it… well, maybe not worth it, but at least you now will feel appreciated. That first semester or two these words were sweeter to my ears than, “I love you, Mom.” Hang in there, mom.

8.   Prepare for the retirement years. Yes, that’s right, and I don't mean financially. The fastest growing segment of population heading to divorce court is that of the retiree. Why? Well, after the nest empties, the Mrs. has her routine, the Mr. went off to work with his routine. They saw one another only a few hours a day. THEN… retirement. The Mr. is now home all.the.time! Where is the Mrs.'s peace and quiet that she learned to embrace once the kids left? If you have not been in the habit of a date night, start one. Run errands together. Take weekends away. Take vacations together. Make out on the couch… remember, NO KIDS to say, “Ewww!” No more worries about having to lock doors (wink, wink). Stay connected with your husband. Don’t allow your relationship to drift apart searching for something to keep you occupied after the kids leave the nest.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

What is the purpose of parenting? It is to “train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6) We are to teach our children to leave our nest to go start their own. We are to teach our children to serve God. If we have followed God’s Word in the area of equipping them in God’s Word then we have done well. This is a new season for all, both parent and child. God has a purpose. Rest in that purpose.