The Offender and the Offended

At some point in our lives, someone has done something in which we felt we were hurt or betrayed. We felt that our “rights” were trampled upon. We may have actually been wronged, suffering loss in someway whether by a damaged reputation, loss of finances or by damaging relationships with those closest to us.

We were offended.

Conversely, at some point in our lives, we have been the one that caused hurt feelings or betrayed someone. We disrespected another making them to feel as if their “rights” were trampled upon. We did damage another’s reputation, caused an individual to suffer financial loss, or created a rift not only in the relationship between the two but also between that individual and others.

We were the offender.

Matthew 5:23-24 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest 

that thy brother hath ought against thee; 24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; 

first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.

In Matthew 5:23-24, we see that it is the responsibility of the offender to go make it right with the one offended. Notice, it says that if “thy brother hath ought against thee.” This would include offenses that may only be a perceived offense, a miscommunication, or misunderstanding. If we did sin against another individual or if we simply know that someone is upset with us, it is OUR responsibility to go to the person to make it right.

Those of us who were offended agree wholeheartedly with these verses. The offender should take responsibility because they are the one who sinned. After all, I didn’t do anything wrong. I was wronged. They hurt my feelings. However,…

Matthew 18:15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault 

between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

As the one who was offended, we bear an equal responsibility in restoring the relationship. If someone offends us in some manner, it is OUR responsibility to go to that individual to restore the relationship.

So, what you are saying is that no matter if I was offended or if I were the offender, if there is a rift in a relationship I am responsible for trying to restore it?

Yes.

But, what if they don’t want to listen? What if they don’t want to make it right?

Matthew 18:16-17 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

Matthew 18:16-17 are the verses that most people will jump to for an offense, regardless of the severity of the offense. However, we need to examine if the offense truly rises to that level, the level of church discipline. Often, it does not. We make mountains out of molehills. We blow up a minor disagreement into world war.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 8 Charity never faileth:

We must rely on charity (love) in these situations. Some offenses are so minor that we should simply let them go. Be the bigger person.

1 John 4:11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.

Nineteen times in the New Testament we are told to love one another usually, in context, reminding us that we are to love one another as Christ loved us. How can we possibly hold an offense over someone when God has forgiven us of so much more?

Proverbs 18:19 A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city: 

and their contentions are like the bars of a castle.

But, I’ve gone to them. They don’t want to make it right. They don’t want to restore the relationship.

Romans 12:18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

If we have done all we can to restore a relationship, whether it is to let pass the least offense or gone to the person in order to reconcile the relationship, then our final responsibility is to live as peaceably as possible with the individual. In some cases, it may mean simply staying away from the individual as much as possible. But if you must interact with the person, follow the principle found in the final verses of Romans 12.

Romans 12:19-21 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. 20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; 

if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. 

21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

We are imperfect beings. We are going to be hurt and we are going to offend others. It is our responsibility, regardless of which side of the situation we find ourselves, to shore up relationships. Why? Because we are brothers and sisters in the Lord. We must be an example to a lost and dying world of the love of Christ. We cannot accomplish that if we are bickering and fighting amongst ourselves, or are holding grudges and being unforgiving.

Ephesians 4:1-3 I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you 

that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called, 

2 With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering,  

forbearing one another in love; 

3 Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

Psalm 133:1 Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!

In the End...

We all like to "comment" about others and the things they do for the Lord. We say, "I would do it differently." Of course we would. Each and every person would do things differently if given the opportunity. Only God knows whether someone's heart is right in their service to Him. Only God knows... and He isn't telling. Our job is to fear God and keep His commandments. Leave everything else up to God.

Ecclesiastes 12: 13 Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man. 14 For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil.

Follow HIM

Psalm 28:5 Because they regard not the works of the Lord, nor the operation of his hands, he shall destroy them, and not build them up.

It is a dangerous place to not follow God's Word, His plan, His principles, His examples. We've seen many lives ruined over the years simply because individuals or families thought they "knew better" than God. Dangerous ground. Tread carefully.

What is "Spiritual Narcissism"?

I came across the term "spiritual narcissist" a few days ago which set my research brain in overdrive.

First, understand that "narcissism" is a predominant feature of today's society. We have become so self-absorbed. Regular posts to FaceBook regarding our dinner, entertainment, or relationship woes or highs are prevalent. Twitter is even faster! And how exciting to have several thousand "followers"!

It's all about ME! They love ME! Aren't I so important?!?

Second, patients with extreme self-love to those who show signs of narcissistic personality disorder are dealt with by psychologists on a daily basis. The spectrum is wide ranging but all need to be dealt with so that the individual can properly function in personal relationships and life experiences in general.

The most basic of definitions for "spiritual narcissism" is pride running wild without an ounce of true humility. Indications of this behavior often include anger when they are rebuked, failure to submit to authority, failure to admit wrong, a critical spirit toward anyone who does not see things their way, and manipulating others through division to name only a few. "Spiritual narcissists" have an uncanny way of feigning "humility". "Oh, no, I could never do that. Well, if YOU think I should, of course, I will be in charge." They have made getting people on "their side" an art form. Hang around a spiritual narcissist long enough and you will pick up their offenses; if you don't, then you are on the "outs" with them and will be punished in some way... usually through intimidation or ostracism. "Spiritual narcissists" are skilled at knowing what buttons to push to get you to do what they want. In other words, they know EXACTLY what to do or allow you to do to play to your own pride.

Romans 12:3  For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith.

Galatians 6:3  For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself.

After reading a number of articles, definitions, etc. I believe the following two blog posts seem to have the most down to earth and understandable explanations regarding "spiritual narcissism".

"Spiritual Narcissism" http://leadingfromthesandbox.blogspot.com/2011/02/spiritual-narcissism.html

"Dealing with Narcissists" http://leadingfromthesandbox.blogspot.com/2011/02/dealing-with-narcissists.html

Providing these links for your own research. This is purely informational.

Remember: be careful not to judge or label someone else as you are reading. We each must search our own hearts to be certain that WE are not the problem.

Do We REALLY Desire Revival?

2 Chronicles 7:14: If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

humble: not proud or haughty: not arrogant or assertive: reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference or submission (synonyms of note: meek, modest, unp

retentious)

The above verse is often linked to desiring revival. There is a definite list of things that need to occur BEFORE God will hear our cry for revival. There has always been one key factor when I have seen God move in on a church and true life-altering, habit-changing, revival break out - humbleness of individuals. "Lord, send a revival and let it begin in me." Why is this? Could it be that those church members pushed aside their pride and began to get right with God AND with each other? I believe so.

We can pray for revival. We can seek God's face through extra time in His Word, attending Bible study after Bible study and even by turning away from wrong things... but unless we are willing to humble ourselves before God and man, to make things right with each... God will not hear. He will not send revival.

Being Haughty is Naughty

Proverbs 18:12: Before destruction the heart of man is haughty, and before honour is humility. 

Proverbs 16:18: Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.

haughty: having or showing arrogant superiority to and disdain of those one views as unworthy (synonyms of note: highfaulutin, huffy, presumptuous, self-assertive, stiff necked)

A haughty spirit is such a dangerous attitude to have. Individuals, regardless of age, who demonstrate this arrogant superiority and disdain to someone (usually an authority figure) whom they deem unworthy not only suffer because of it, but also their family members. It may be an individual sin, but its effects are wide spread. It is contagious. Parents who are haughty have children who pick up this attitude. Haughty church members tend to lead their closest friends and immature Christians down that road as well.

 

We must guard ourselves against those who have a prideful and haughty spirit. Beware of those who speak against authority figures - parents, husband, pastors, employers, government. Beware of those who try to set themselves up in positions of authority. Beware of those who complain "they are doing all the work". These attitudes sew seeds of contempt and contention. It is not God-honoring.