On Losing a Child... 20 Years Later

October 23, 1993, twenty years ago. We were excitedly planning the arrival of a baby, a brother or sister for 17 month old Nathan. Without going into all the details, I had a pregnancy complication that would recur in several other pregnancies. Despite all the best efforts, including emergency surgery in hope to prolong the pregnancy, at 18 weeks, I delivered our second child - a baby boy. We named him Andrew Stephen. I was not able to hold Andrew; I physically and emotionally did not have the strength. (Hemorrhaging following delivery sent me to the OR for hours and recuperating for weeks.) I remember those early hours and days as if I were watching someone else experience them. How much was morphine induced and how much was simply a God-given way to cope with the circumstances I know not.

Through the years, I have been reticent to share. Too difficult, painful, raw. Too personal. Too depressing. And, at times, simply because I didn't want to face the awkward silence that inevitably comes when someone doesn't know what to say. "How many children do you have?" "Five..." "Oh, what are their ages?" "...but four are already in Heaven." (Cue crickets.) Conversation killer. So, my standard answer, unless I know that they are sisters in grief, is usually: "One, Nathan. He's (filling in age, current activity, etc.)."

It hurts not to be able to freely say that I am the mother of five. However, I do understand that most people don't understand. Which is why I have felt pressed to finally share our story.

I want to let those who have walked this path know that they are not alone; to know that you will survive; to have hope that you will go on with living. To those who have no reference on what it is to lose a child, I hope to give a glimpse into the grief, thoughts, and feelings on losing a child. So often, we find we can identify and comfort those who have lost a parent or spouse; it may be difficult, but we can imagine and understand those losses. However, it is very difficult for someone to approach one who has lost a child because it is unimaginable.

The doctors and nurses were terrific, empathetic, and concerned. They moved me to a general ward floor instead of the recovering mother's floor so that I did not hear the cries of newborns as they were brought to their moms. They placed a card with a flower on it on my door. When I asked what it was for, the nurse quietly told me that it was to let the staff know that I had suffered a loss. This way they would have the appropriate demeanor as they entered. (She didn't say that, but that was the intent.) Finally, three or four days later, I was sent home with many booklets and pamphlets regarding grief and the loss of a child. "When you are up to it, they might be a help in some small way."

As the weeks went by, I began experiencing terrible, shooting pains in both my arms, so much so that I thought I was going insane. I finally picked up one of the booklets I was given. From it, I learned that I was experiencing a phenomenon called "empty arms syndrome." It was described as similar to an amputee patient feeling phantom pains in the limb that has been amputated. I wish I could find the booklet; several moves may have caused the misplacement or loss of it. There isn't much on the internet about empty arms syndrome. However, it is real.

Should you find yourself experiencing unexplained pain in your arms following a miscarriage or infant loss you may be experiencing empty arms syndrome. Many suggest holding or cuddling a pillow, stuffed animal, pet or, as I was able to do, my toddler. It took several weeks for it to subside. I then begged God to never let me have to experience that again. Unlike not holding Andrew, I was able to hold Caleb and Naomi, both second trimester babies, and did not experience empty arms syndrome. Even following my 10 week miscarriage, I did not experience the syndrome. Some things can't be explained; but, I know, God graciously answered that prayer.

If you have the chance to hold your baby, do. Take pictures. Keep the baby clothes they give you. Add their birthstone to a mother's ring, bracelet, or necklace. Remember your baby in some tangible way.

Losing a child is losing a part of your own self; a part of your future, or rather, what you thought your future to be. It is the loss of hopes and dreams for that child. Part of my grief are the missing faces in the photos. People say: "Oh, it's so good to have all the family together!" Although it is good to be with extended family, I see four little faces missing from around the table. No first words, first steps, first days of school, ball games, recitals, graduations, weddings, ... or perhaps, grandchildren. Holidays can be difficult because there are presents that aren't purchased, baskets not filled, valentine's not sent, birthdays not celebrated.

Mother's Day is extremely difficult for me, as it is for many mothers who have lost children to death or those who suffer from infertility. In the first years, tears would flow the day before, before church in the morning, during church, after church, nearly all weekend long. Nathan, now twenty-one, does a wonderful job of spoiling me, but there are still faces, hugs and kisses missed. Some years I just wish that day didn't come.

The Mother's Day following the death of our 17 day old preemie son, Caleb, our pastor realized that I was hurting terribly. The death of Caleb had affected many in our church as well. That Mother's Day morning, for the first time that I remember in any church that I had been a part, the pastor honored all moms who had lost children -- miscarriage to adult children. That meant a lot to me. I appreciated it because it acknowledged the lives of my babies.

Even twenty years later, tears still happen suddenly, without warning, without knowing or understanding what has triggered them, though it is not nearly as frequently as it once was. This is especially true around the birth, delivery, and death dates. Time, though, has helped; there are far less tearful bouts than there once was.

But, how do you continue on? How can you suffer loss of this magnitude and still go on?

The Great Comforter helps. He is the translator when I cry out in my prayers; when I don't know how to pray or what to pray. He is the One Who is there in my darkest hours -- in my tears, anger, depression, anguish, despair. He is the One Who carries me through, lifting me up when I cannot go another step. He is the One Who gently prods me to keep going. He is the One Who gives peace in an unexplainable way in the midst of an unfathomable despair.

What I do that helps me is read the Word. King David lost a child to sickness. He grieved himself sorely while the child was sick, so much so that his servants feared telling him when the child died. But, David sensed by the way his people were behaving that the child had died. When asked how he could pull himself together now at the death, David replied:

²² And he said, While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether God will be gracious to me, that the child may live? ²³ But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me. (2 Samuel 12:22-23)

I remember in the Word that Jesus was "acquainted with grief." Jesus was fully God, and, yet, He was also fully man. Jesus suffered grief. He knows the pain that it causes. Because of that, I know that when I cry out to Him with my questions, my anger, my depression, and all the other feelings that go along with grief... He knows. He understands.

That is how I view grief now: grief is an acquaintance. It is someone you know. You have had a shared event with them, but they are not someone that you constantly see. Grief isn't something that is always there, but I bump into it from time to time. Sometimes unexpectedly. Sometimes I see it coming. It is like living with a shadow. Shadows are not always present, but we know that they will appear.

The loss of a child is something that you carry all your remaining days. We must go on living, but we do not have to forget. When those tears come, let them fall in memorial to your child, cleansing away the hurt, the loss. It is okay.

When those feelings of loss surface, channel them for good to remember your child. Encouraging or helping others is a wonderful way to help yourself through bouts of grief. Donate toys or clothes to a women's shelter or a pregnancy center, make a Christmas shoebox, choose an angel from an angel tree, send a birthday box to missionary kids, surprise a Sunday school class with ice cream coupons. {Or agree to make 'n' take 10 personal pans of brownies for Nathan and his college friends when we go visit for Thanksgiving! :-) } And, when you feel you have an opportunity to share their short life with another, do so.

The doctors have since told us that I should never have carried Nathan to term. He is our miracle. Little did we know when we named him how appropriate it would be: Nathan - "a gift," Paul - "small." He most definitely is our small gift from the Lord, our blessing. But, I do miss my other children. However, I have a great hope because I know that I will see them one day. There's a saying: Having a child is like having a piece of your heart walking around outside you. Four pieces of my heart are running streets of gold right now. Their little lives were short, but they made a huge impact on this world, on my world. I love you Andrew Stephen (20, 18 week delivery), Caleb James "C.J." (16, born at 24 weeks, died at 17 days old), Gabriel (15, 10 week miscarriage), and sweet Naomi Grace, (14, 23 week delivery).  

I am including links to other posts that may help those suffering loss and those who minister to those suffering loss:

What Causes Grief?

The Stages of Grief

The Reality of Depression and Its Signs

When You Don't Know What to Say... by Cary Schmidt

The Reality of Depression and Its Signs

In Christian circles we tend to shun speaking about depression. Often it is seen as spiritual weakness or a "sin problem." It is neither; however, depression could develop into one or the other if not treated and overcome. Depression is a normal emotional response when faced with loss or trying circumstances. Depression can be caused by severe exhaustion or burnout. The problem comes when the individual seems to become "stuck" in a state of depression.

We often see people become overwhelmed with a series of trials, both large and small, compounding the normal response. In two decades of working in ministry, I have seen and heard of many pastors or other Christian leaders who have simply quit ministry, depressed and discouraged, because there were simply so many crises, so many fires to put out, so many hurts, that they could not keep up. Some fell into depression because of one major event, either personally or ministerially. Some went even further and committed suicide. Why? They didn't have the encouragement and support they needed.

But, they are pastors; they are Christians. They should be able to handle it.

A family losing a child is a great trial, a tremendous grief. This family made a significant ministry change and move two years later. They then had several job changes and another move to a different part of town. Additional stress came when Mom became pregnant and placed on bed rest. Unfortunately, all measures the doctors attempted could not help her carry the baby to term. She delivered at 24 weeks. They spent 17 days traveling to and from the hospital NICU to see their baby, waited anxiously during surgery on a heart smaller than your thumb nail, only to have him die in their arms on day 17. The next year she miscarried; he was laid off three times in six months. The following year she again followed her doctors recommendations of surgery and bed rest, only to have their baby girl at 23 weeks. Three infant losses in three years; four infant losses in six years. More lay offs and job changes - including Dad working three jobs a day just to meet the bills; another move across town. Ministry hiccups, disappointments, hurts and betrayals came as well during this time.

All these things occurred over 12 years, most during an 7 year span.

It was in the midst of all this that I found myself in serious trouble. It was not a lack of faith on my part. I was in the Word; I was praying. I was serving in choir, Children's Church and any other area asked. But, I still was in a desert with no oasis in sight.

Professionals might call this complicated grief - the inability to move on from one loss. I call what happened compounded grief, compounded depression. There wasn't a chance to come up for air because there was one loss or stress taking place right after another.

I knew that I needed help when I contemplated taking a bottle of pills. It was by God's grace that I did not. Additionally, I did not want my young son to be the one to find me. It was in the midst of an argument, a rage on my part, that I finally blurted this out to my husband who insisted that I go see a doctor. I did.

I told the doctor I felt like I was at the "kill or be killed" stage. She ran tests and put me on hormonal therapy. Within a month, I was a different person; I physically felt the difference. It was only then that I was able to begin to deal with and heal from all those stressors.

How did it get so far? Why didn't anyone see what was happening?

I think there are two reasons. First, being a ministry wife, I'm not supposed to have feelings like this. I'm supposed to be strong, to be the example of how to handle life's problems, disappointments, griefs. So, I hid it. I played the role that was expected of me. I succumbed to the potential stigma. I didn't feel I had anyone I could talk to without judgment, to talk to freely. Which brings me to the second reason: no one noticed. No one asked how I was doing. And, if they did, they did not push to help. I really think it boiled down to that they didn't see the signs.

One of the keys to healing from depression is to recognize the signs of depression. It was because I did recognize that I was in trouble, and finally told someone, that I was able to heal. Keep in mind, depression is a part of grieving. That is not the problem. It is when someone remains in a state of depression for a prolonged period of time that they may have crossed over to clinical depression. The signs listed here are for watching for clinical depression, the inability to move on and heal from a grief causing event.

• Persistent sad, empty, or numb feelings. Blank stares, loss of interest in life or things they once enjoyed. The inability to recognize happiness. 
• Feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, helplessness. Persistent pessimism. Inability to see the bright side; to see another way. Blames themselves for what happened (anger turned inward). May fixate on past mistakes. May feel no one cares.
• Increased agitation or restlessness. Easily irritated, even over small matters. Quick to anger. Hand wringing, pacing. Inability to sit still.
• Fatigue, decreased energy. Inability to finish projects or lists as before. May feel unproductive. Slowed thinking, speaking, or movements. Much effort given to the simplest tasks.
• Loss of interest in activities, hobbies, etc. that were once enjoyed. May stop visiting family, decline invitations. May stop participating in hobbies such as reading, crafting, clubs or sports.
• Difficulty remembering details, focusing or concentrating. Mental "fog." Taking a long time to complete a complicated process. Forgetting appointments, names, etc. Indecisive. Easily distracted.
• Physical signs: sleeping too much or too little (insomnia); overeating or loss of appetite; persistent pain, headaches, stomach issues that do not resolve despite treatment.
• Thoughts of death or suicide. Direct statements might include: "I wish I were dead." "I want to end it all." Indirect statements might include: "You'd be better off without me." "I can't go on." "Soon, I won't be around anymore."

The person experiencing clinical depression may not be aware of what is happening to them. It is important to be mindful of the above signs and act to help the person. Depression is one of the most common factors associated with suicide.

If you or someone you know experiences two or more of the above symptoms more often than not for more than two weeks, you or they may be experiencing clinical depression. A "depression quiz" is available here at the Meier Clinic website.

Where can you find help? Begin by talking with a friend or family member, your pastor or a Christian mentor. A medical doctor should also be consulted to check for chemical or hormonal imbalances or other possible physiological causes.

For me, I needed a medical doctor to determine that I was suffering from a hormonal imbalance before I could move on in order to heal.

Depression tends to bring about a spiritual stigma. It shouldn't. Elijah, King David, Job, Jeremiah, Jonah, and Paul are only a few in the Bible who experienced various degrees of depression. It is how we deal with depression that makes all the difference.

Not all those who suffer from depression do so because of a "sin problem." Depression is a natural response to overwhelming situations and, occasionally, from sheer exhaustion. The longer a person stays in a state of depression, however, it can lead to spiritual weakness which may further complicate the situation.

I encourage you to seek the help of your pastor and doctor to help you. If you simply do not feel comfortable with those resources, the Meier Clinic provides a whole body approach to counseling which will deal with physical causes as well as emotional and spiritual causes. Another excellent resource for locating a Christian counselor is the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors.

Finally, let me encourage anyone in ministry who finds themselves, a family member or, perhaps, the entire family in a situation where you need counseling care to please seek help. Our ministry, Hold Fast the Truth, is completely based on anonymity for any pastor or ministry leader that contacts us, regardless the need. If you need help, but do not know where to turn, please do not hesitate to contact my husband, Evangelist Dan Woltmann, through our ministry website, churchhelps.org. We will do all we can to match you with the help that you need.

No words can express how much the world owes to sorrow. Most of the Psalms were born in the wilderness. Most of the Epistles were written in a prison. The greatest thoughts of the greatest thinkers have all passed through fire. The greatest poets have “learned in suffering what they taught in song.” In bonds Bunyan lived the allegory that he afterwards wrote, and we may thank Bedford Jail for the Pilgrim’s Progress. Take comfort, afflicted Christian! When God is about to make pre-eminent use of a person, He put them in the fire. -- George MacDonald

I am including links to other posts that may help those suffering loss and those who minister to those suffering loss:

On Losing a Child... Twenty Years Later

What Causes Grief?

The Stages of Grief

When You Don't Know What to Say... by Cary Schmidt

The Stages of Grief

No one is immune from the effects of death. Family, friends, co-workers, even an entire community can be affected by the loss of one person. The closer in relationship to the deceased, the more stages of grief you will feel and the longer it will take to go through them. It is important that we are familiar with these stages, not so that we can check them off a list as they occur, but to know that these stages are normal responses. The danger comes when someone seems to get "stuck" on a particular stage causing them to be unable to move forward.

The stages of grief are not a checklist nor will they necessarily occur in order, or in the same order, for each individual. Some may vacillate between several for a while; others may repeat stages. There is no real time frame for "when it will all be over," either. However, it is recommended to not make major decisions for at least a year following the death of someone very close to you.

Most counselors recognize five stages of grief. These are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

1. Denial. This is the initial stage. There is shock and disbelief as we first learn of the news. People may initially feel numb. "Why is this happening?" "You must be wrong." "I don't believe it." Denial is a buffer zone, a self-defense, for our minds to be able to slow down and process the information that is coming in. It is important to not sugar-coat necessary information. Speak the truth, but with love and compassion. While those facing the news of the death of a loved one will more quickly accept the news, those facing the news of a terminal illness may attempt to ignore the diagnosis, pushing off decisions that need to be made.
2. Anger. In this stage, the individual may express his anger in outward ways. Shouting, throwing things, and verbal attacks are good examples. Blame may be placed on people - the doctors, the person who died, those that were with their loved one, even God. Many people turn their anger inward which is known as guilt. "I should have seen the signs." "If only I had,...." Guilt may also occur if the person is angry at the deceased. "Why did you leave me?" When dealing with someone in the anger stage it is important to not take it personally should the anger and rage be turned on you. Try to remain non-judgmental.
3. Bargaining. An individual may try to reach a deal for a different outcome. "I'll do anything..." "I'll give my life, money, etc." There may also be statements of "If only..." The person may secretly try to bargain with God to change the outcome. Bargaining is another defense mechanism in order to help come to acceptance.
4. Depression. Loneliness, hopelessness, utter sadness, fear, regret. "Why bother..." "I can't go on." A person may refuse visitors, may spend most of their time in tears, and may not be able to function in their normal routine. These are all a part of depression. We must understand that the depression that occurs following a loss is not the same as clinical depression. However, it is important to note that those who seem to stay in this stage too long may have slipped into clinical depression which may warrant intervention. Remember, though, there is not a time frame to go through the depression stage. Once someone reaches this stage they are beginning to accept the new reality.
5. Acceptance. Those who reach this stage are not "cured." They simply have come to the place where they can move on with life. While the grief over the loss of their loved one will always be with them, they can now pick up and adjust to life without them. 

Not everyone who experiences a loss is able to move on to acceptance. Some remain in the anger, bargaining, or depression stage indefinitely. Those who seem "stuck" may need additional counseling or more support from those around them. Those who attend church may want to speak with their pastor for help in this area. There are also numerous support groups consisting of individuals who have suffered similar loss available today. GriefShare is one such group that deals specifically with those who have suffered the death of a spouse, child, family member or friend.

Again, these "stages" are not check marks on a check list. Once you have "gone through them all" does not mean you have completely healed. Grief is a life long journey; it may appear at any time, without warning, throughout your lifetime. A good illustration is that of recuperating from an injury. While the injury may have healed, pain from it may occur without warning; it is a weak place in the body susceptible to recurrences. All of us at one time or another will experience grief. The important thing to remember is that it is normal.

I am including links to other posts that may help those suffering loss and those who minister to those suffering loss:

What Causes Grief?

On Losing a Child... Twenty Years Later

The Reality of Depression and Its Signs

When You Don't Know What to Say... by Cary Schmidt

What Causes Grief?

Often we may think that only death causes grief. This simply is not true. Grief can be experienced on many different levels for a variety of reasons.

Life changes.

• Death of a spouse.
• Death of a parent.
• Miscarriage or the death of a child.
• Giving a child up for adoption.
• Moving. Particularly difficult for children, first-year college students, newly marrieds, and the elderly.
• Death of a pet.

Relationships.

• Dating break-up, particularly if it was a long relationship.
• Marriage. Some people feel loss because their relationship has changed which may bring changes with other relationships. Some may feel a loss of independent decision making.
• Birth of a child. Some feel a loss of independent decision making. Some resent lifestyle changes.
• Divorce and separation. Not only are the adults affected, but the children and extended family are affected.
• Empty-nesting. When a child leaves home, many parents experience varying levels of grief.
• A way-ward child.
• Friendships. Sometimes friendships end, whether due to arguments or geographical changes.

Health. (These may affect not only the patient but also those that love them and will be caregivers.)

• Diagnosis of a chronic or terminal illness, whether personally or that of a loved one.
• Diagnosis of a disorder or medical condition of a child that would cause life-long care, and the loss of the life the parents had hoped for their child.
• Diagnosis of infertility.
• Personal injury resulting in drastic lifestyle changes and disability.
• Personal injury resulting in temporary changes.
• Aging. Some grieve the loss of strength, loss of physical appearance or independence.

Work or School.

• Failing an exam or failure in a project.
• Loss of position or promotion.
• Increase in work load or responsibility.
• Change of job or school.
• Graduation.
• Job loss.
• Retirement.

Other forms of change.

• An act of violence.
• Loss of home or possessions due to natural disaster or accident.
• Financial loss due to national economic collapse, stock market crash, banking issues, etc.
• Change in habits or lifestyle such as quitting smoking, changing diet for health reasons, cutting back spending due to economic loss, etc.

You may look at the lists above and think that some of them are a bit "over reaching" in describing them as "grief-causers." We need to remember that each person is different and, therefore, will respond to the above situations in their own way.

For example, a week or so after Nathan graduated from Kindergarten, he broke out in hives. Although we tried to rule out anything and everything, the hives persisted through over the counter treatment. We took him to the doctor. She checked him and took a history. She asked if he had just graduated from Kindergarten. We said yes. She told us that many times children have difficulty changing their routines, especially when they know that they would not be returning to what they knew as "normal." The hives, in this case, were the physical way to express what he could not express verbally. She gave him some medicine to deal with the hives and encouraged us to keep him talking about the changes and what to expect in the future. {We were switching to homeschooling.} In a way, it was part of his grieving the loss of what he knew.

When we hear of someone experiencing any of the above situations, remember to encourage them. Send a card, make a phone call, buy a bag of groceries, send a pizza (pre-paid, of course!), offer child care -- there are so many things that we can do to help and encourage someone who is suffering from a grief-causing situation.

I am including links to other posts that may help those suffering loss and those who minister to those suffering loss:

On Losing a Child... Twenty Years Later

The Stages of Grief

The Reality of Depression and Its Signs

When You Don't Know What to Say... by Cary Schmidt

How Do You Respond to Lies? (Part 2)

There have been times in my life when I felt that I was suddenly dropped into opposite world. Conversations and events that I was a part of, along with others, were completely turned around. The actions or words that were falsely attributed to me were the very actions or words of those who were repeating the matter in a false way. Some of these situations were harder to take when other individuals, who had been present in the original situation, for fear or perhaps lack of character, began agreeing with the liars. Then, there were those who believed the lie without doing any due diligence by coming to me to seek out the truth.

We used to live in a society of innocent until proven guilty. However, that is no longer the case. All it takes is for a few people to make disparaging remarks or attribute actions that were not committed by the individual and someone’s reputation, business, ministry, or family is damaged. We are more willing to believe the bad about people than we are to believe the good.

In Part 1 of this series, we learned what the Bible says about liars. We now will examine what the Bible says our response to lies should be.

First, anyone who hears disparaging remarks about someone has a biblical responsibility. That responsibility is thoroughly covered in the blog post, Protecting Yourself from Being an Unknowing Gossip. 

Additionally, we must follow biblical principles regarding lying.

**Hate lies; love truth.

• Psalm 119:104, Through thy precepts I get understanding: therefore I hate every false way.

• Psalm 119:128, Therefore I esteem all thy precepts concerning all things to be right; and I hate every false way.

**Focus our hearts on seeking truth.

• Philippians 4:8, Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

• Proverbs 4:23, Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. 

**Remove liars from your life. In other words, run; run far away from a liar.

• Psalm 101:7, He that worketh deceit shall not dwell within my house: he that telleth lies shall not tarry in my sight.

• Proverbs 4:24, Put away from thee a froward mouth, and perverse lips put far from thee.

• Proverbs 17:4, A wicked doer giveth heed to false lips; and a liar giveth ear to a naughty tongue.

**Do not allow yourself to become entwined in falsehoods or situations in which someone is destroying the life, reputation, business, or ministry of another. 

• Exodus 23:7, Keep thee far from a false matter; and the innocent and righteous slay thou not: for I will not justify the wicked.

But, what if I am the victim of lies?

We have excellent examples to follow in God’s Word when we are faced with the trial of lies.

**Jesus, Himself, was falsely accused, yet He answered not.

• Matthew 27:12, And when he was accused of the chief priests and elders, he answered nothing.

**Stephen, in the budding church in Acts, is another example. The disciples appointed Stephen, along with six other men, to be the first deacons. Acts 6:8, And Stephen, full of faith and power, did great wonders and miracles among the people. Nevertheless, men of the synagogue disputed with Stephen and could not overcome his wisdom and spirit. (Acts 6:9-10) These men stirred up the people against Stephen. The word “suborned” in verse 11 means they bribed men to lie. 

• Acts 6:11, 13, Then they suborned men, which said, We have heard him speak blasphemous words against Moses, and against God. 13 And set up false witnesses, which said, This man ceaseth not to speak blasphemous words against this holy place, and the law: 

Instead of defending himself when allowed to speak, Stephen presents salvation through the history of the Jewish people. (Acts 7:1-53) Despite cutting through to their hearts (conviction), they turned on him, took him out, and stoned him. Sometimes, we may suffer wrongs when we serve our Savior.

**King David is a prime Old Testament example of facing liars. From King Saul to his own son, Absalom, David was lied about and had many conspirators against him. When King Saul came after him, David was careful not to touch God’s anointed. King Saul may not have been following God, but David knew it was not his place to correct or address him. When Absalom stole the hearts of the people away from King David, David stepped aside, leaving his position as king in the hands of God. Throughout Psalms, we see David pray for those who lied, focus on the Lord, and leave the outcome of judgment in the Lord’s hands.

• Psalm 63:9-11, But those that seek my soul, to destroy it, shall go into the lower parts of the earth. ¹⁰ They shall fall by the sword: they shall be a portion for foxes.¹¹ But the king shall rejoice in God; every one that sweareth by him shall glory: but the mouth of them that speak lies shall be stopped.

It is difficult when we are being lied about, having errant rumors spread about us, and having our names and reputations tarnished, at the very least. However, Jesus tells us how to handle these situations.

Matthew 5:11-12  Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. ¹² Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

When we decide to take a stand to do right, to follow the Lord and His Word, will and way, we will suffer wrongs for His sake. Remember, God is our defense. He will protect us and judge those who insist on remaining in wickedness, often catching them in their own web of lies.

Psalm 5:9-12  For there is no faithfulness in their mouth; their inward part is very wickedness; their throat is an open sepulchre; they flatter with their tongue. ¹⁰ Destroy thou them, O God; let them fall by their own counsels; cast them out in the multitude of their transgressions; for they have rebelled against thee. ¹¹ But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee. ¹² For thou, Lord, wilt bless the righteous; with favour wilt thou compass him as with a shield.

For the rest of this series, follow the links below:

What Does the Bible Say about Lying? (Part 1) 

Who is Really Hurt by Lying? (Part 3) 

Who Really is Hurt by Lying? (Part 3)

If you are the victim of lies, then you know the damage that is done to you. Tarnished reputations, loss of business or finances, and, in some cases, alienation from those who you consider family and friends are just a few of the repercussions for the victim.

If you are the liar, you may think that you are innocent. Prolific liars often convince themselves that what they are saying is true; in fact, they become so good at it that they can take the truth and twist and turn it to make it say whatever they want it to say even to the point of creating false documents or photos with just the click of a few computer buttons. While they think they are getting away with something, all they have succeeded in doing is making themselves untrustworthy.

However, a great damage is done when “Christians” or church members lie. We, the church, have a serious problem on our hands.

If you have followed our ministry at all, or read other of my posts, you may have caught that we deal with the worst of the worst in church situations. When Dan’s phone rings, it is often because the pastor and/or church have come to a breaking point. All too often in the last decade or so, the trouble is with the tongue of someone in the church.

I am not exactly sure when it occurred, but the church went through a beautification program on the word “lying”. We now call it “gossip”. Rarely do we hear it preached against. Nonetheless, the world has been and is watching. I know this. How? Because one of the things we do is to talk to the locals to gain an understanding of the community thought regarding the distraught church. You see, once a church has lost its testimony, it becomes ineffective.

How is a church’s testimony damaged? Through the actions and words of the church members. Many of the situations we have dealt with were in small towns. Often, it is after the church has gone through a battle that we learned the truth. It never is good for the church members.

In several situations, we had been inviting those in the community to particular churches. It was after a church blow up in each church that we learned why those individuals would not visit for a fall festival or other such outreach or services. Here are just a few of the statements we heard.

• “Now that all this has happened, we just wanted you to know that we didn’t visit because so-and-so attended there. All they do is run down the church they attend. I didn’t want to say anything because I was afraid of stirring up trouble.”

• “I didn’t visit because several of the members there have done me wrong in business. I can’t trust them.”

• “I didn’t visit because so-and-so works for me. I knew he went to church there and he was one of the worst employees I have.”

• “I couldn’t understand how you could go to that church. The people (listing several names) are nothing but troublemakers in the office, school, or community. They are always running their mouths.”

 What a tremendous testimony these churches had!! (read dripping with sarcasm)

It still strikes me that these unsaved men and women have more scruples about them than the “Christians” who are supposed to be living a life exemplifying Christ.

Unfortunately, those that these statements were made about were the very ones who caused the blow-ups in the churches. These were the ones to set themselves up in leadership in the power vacuum following the blow-ups. These were the ones who had purported themselves for years to be something they were not. These men and women had so described themselves as “somebodies” in the communities in which they lived that the pastors were concerned of losing people if they addressed their sin issues; the pastors feared the bad things they might say about them or the church. (This should have been the first clue there was a problem.) What these pastors did not know was that they were losing far more people who refused even to visit the church because of these people. They were known to be members there, and not in a good way.

Sadly, those churches, as others like them, are a stumbling block to the cause of Christ in those communities. They have caused a hardness that others are now having to combat. It has caused ripple effects into other churches as well as these liars have emboldened others to assume power and position that is not theirs biblically to have.

I keep hearing people use this catch phrase: The church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints. Why would a sinner want to attend a church to seek help for their sin-sick soul when members of the church have no discretion in repeating everyone else’s problems? We have HIPAA laws to protect our medical privacy. Do we really need those in the church as well? It sends a signal to those hurting and needing help that the church cannot be trusted.

Then, we have church against church, and pastor against pastor tearing one another down. Is it any wonder that the world has a serious distrust of religion and those who supposedly represent it?

There has been a breach of trust. Once trust is broken, it is extremely difficult to repair. In taking counseling classes, we learned that for every negative a person experiences, it takes anywhere from 5 to 20 positives to overcome it; to rebuild that trust. Lying, gossiping, talebearing, telling a little white lie… whatever it is called must be stopped. And, it must be addressed in the home and in the church. We do not know the time that the Lord will return, so we must live each day as if it were today. How wonderful to be speaking to a lost and dying world of our Heavenly Father when Christ returns rather than tearing down a fellow brother or sister in Christ.

We need to be ever so careful with our words and our actions. We are not alone in this world. We, as Christians, are here to be a light. That light is snuffed out each time Christians run their mouths about others. Believe it or not, the world does expect us to act in accordance with the Bible that we claim to follow.


For more in this series, follow the links below:

What Does the Bible Say about Lying? (Part 1)

How Do You Respond to Lies? (Part 2) 

What Does the Bible Say about Lying? (Part 1)

What exactly is a lie? Webster’s Dictionary provides several definitions. As a verb, a lie is to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive or to create a false or misleading impression. As a noun, a lie is an assertion of something known or believed by the speaker to be untrue with intent to deceive, an untrue or inaccurate statement that may or may not be believed true by the speaker, or something that misleads or deceives.

We see the following words often today to describe a lie: a white lie, gossip, a fib or ‘fiblet’, a tall story or tall tale, a misstatement, a misrepresentation, disinformation, a whopper. Innocuous, aren’t they? More shocking are the words: slander, libel, defamation, perjury, backbiting, dishonesty, deceit, fraud. We do not hear these words much any longer to describe a lie, as they are deemed too harsh.

Proverbs 12:17  He that speaketh truth sheweth forth righteousness: but a false witness deceit.

Why would someone lie? Here are a few possibilities.

1. Self-preservation. In other words, liars attempt to protect themselves from punishment for wrongdoing.
2. Jealousy. Liars simply want to discredit or hurt the innocent because of jealousy over accomplishments or abilities.
3. Fear. Often, liars fear the lack of or the potential loss of a position or popularity. In order to achieve or “protect” themselves, they will do whatever it takes to discredit anyone they fear may gain more popularity or position than they currently have.
4. To gain some perceived advantage. We see this during political campaigns with mud-slinging commercials and “news” articles. However, this has crept into business practices as well; cases are being revealed of false “reviews” of businesses and restaurants in order to hurt the competition or false positive "reviews" in order to gain business. It also occurs in the office and church setting as liars hope to gain a promotion, position or recognition. 
5. Bullying. Some use lying to control and manipulate others in order to accomplish their own desires or agenda.

Proverbs 25:18  A man that beareth false witness against his neighbour is a maul, and a sword, and a sharp arrow.

Isaiah 32:6  For the vile person will speak villany, and his heart will work iniquity, to practise hypocrisy, and to utter error against the Lord, to make empty the soul of the hungry, and he will cause the drink of the thirsty to fail.

Today, we seem to expect to be lied to; we do nothing to combat it. In fact, in some countries, it is culturally accepted to lie. God, however, does not see it that way. The Bible has a great deal to say about lying. Our first reference to lying, or deception, is in the story of Eve and the serpent. First references in scripture are very important. Here is the conversation.

Serpent: “Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?” (Genesis 3:1) (He caused Eve to question what God said, the truth.)

Eve: “We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.” (Genesis 3:2-3) (As Eve related what God said, she added to the truth. Here is what God actually said: ¹⁶ And the Lord   God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:¹⁷ But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. (Genesis 2:16-17)

Serpent: “Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.” (Genesis 3:4-5) (The serpent took God’s word, which Eve had added to, and discredited it. He told Eve that she was being kept away from something; he created a desire in her for something she was not supposed to have.) 

And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. (Genesis 3:6)

This first reference encompasses all there is in deception and lies. Truth is questioned; truth is added to (think of the telephone game); truth is replaced with reasoning (if this, then that); truth is sacrificed for one’s own desires.

Jacob, the Deceiver, stole the blessing from his brother Esau. (Genesis 27:1-29) His Uncle Laban later deceived Jacob over working for Rachel for seven years but giving Jacob Leah instead at the end of that time. (Genesis 29:15-30) Laban also deceived Jacob in his wages ten times over the years. (Genesis 31:7)

When God gave Moses the Law, He addressed lying, deception, tale bearing, and false witnesses multiple times.

Exodus 20:16  Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

Exodus 23:1  Thou shalt not raise a false report: put not thine hand with the wicked to be an unrighteous witness.

Exodus 23:7  Keep thee far from a false matter; and the innocent and righteous slay thou not: for I will not justify the wicked.

Leviticus 6:5  Or all that about which he hath sworn falsely; he shall even restore it in the principal, and shall add the fifth part more thereto, and give it unto him to whom it appertaineth, in the day of his trespass offering. (See all of Leviticus 6:2-6)

Leviticus 19:11  Ye shall not steal, neither deal falsely, neither lie one to another.

Leviticus 19:12  And ye shall not swear by my name falsely, neither shalt thou profane the name of thy God: I am the Lord.

Deuteronomy 5:20  Neither shalt thou bear false witness against thy neighbour.

Deuteronomy 19:16-19  ¹⁶ If a false witness rise up against any man to testify against him that which is wrong; ¹⁷ Then both the men, between whom the controversy is, shall stand before the Lord, before the priests and the judges, which shall be in those days; ¹⁸ And the judges shall make diligent inquisition: and, behold, if the witness be a false witness, and hath testified falsely against his brother; ¹⁹ Then shall ye do unto him, as he had thought to have done unto his brother: so shalt thou put the evil away from among you.

Perhaps, however, the greatest indication of God’s thoughts regarding lying and deception are found in Proverbs.

Proverbs 6:16-19  ¹⁶ These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: ¹⁷ A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, ¹⁸ An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, ¹⁹ A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.

God will not tolerate lying. We may try to gloss over it, thinking that it is not a big deal. Judgment of the liar may not be swift, to our minds at least, but judgment will come. Just as when you lied to your parents your lies eventually were exposed, you then received the punishment, not only for the original infraction but also for the lie. Our all-seeing, all-knowing Heavenly Father will enact judgment. How can we know this? Because of His Word.

Psalm 5:6  Thou shalt destroy them that speak leasing [lying]: the Lord will abhor the bloody and deceitful man. 

Proverbs 19:5  A false witness shall not be unpunished, and he that speaketh lies shall not escape.

Proverbs 19:9  A false witness shall not be unpunished, and he that speaketh lies shall perish.

Proverbs 21:28  A false witness shall perish: but the man that heareth speaketh constantly.

Proverbs 26:27  Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein: and he that rolleth a stone, it will return upon him.

For more in this series, follow the links below:

How Do You Respond to Lies? (Part 2)

Who Really is Hurt by Lying? (Part 3) 

Stay Strong. Finish Strong.

One of the greatest pleasures that I have in the ministry is to glean from the wisdom of those who have been “at” it longer than I have. The wisdom of those who were saved as children or teens then spent the rest of their lives serving the Lord is simply priceless.

Recently, one of those seasoned saints passed away. I did not have the pleasure of meeting or knowing him, but my twenty-one year old son did. As I listened to Nathan tell me about this man of God and his impact on Nathan’s life, I could not help but cry tears of gratitude. What a blessing to have such an impact on his young life! The man was known as a prayer warrior. Nathan had told him about our ministry. “Mom, I didn’t tell you and Dad about that, but for the last year he’s been praying for you both and the ministry.” “When you look at him you can almost see the presence of God around him.” “He’s the type of Christian you’d call a ‘faithful servant’.” What a testimony that was noticed by a young person!

This man finished strong.

Even though I’ve never met him, he has influenced my life. I want to live my life in such a way that I finish strong. I want to have the impact in my old age on young people that this man had. I don’t want to “retire” from ministry or service to my Lord.

Psalm 71:9, Cast me not off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength faileth.

All too often though many seasoned saints “retire” from Sunday school teaching or singing in the choir or helping around the church or any number of other ministry areas. Yes, strength and stamina wane as we age, but that is when we need to work smarter, not harder. Find someone younger who has the energy then train and direct that energy. Eventually you will have trained your replacement, allowing you to move on to train someone else.

Job 12:12, With the ancient is wisdom; and in length of days understanding.

Psalm 71:18, Now also when I am old and greyheaded, O God, forsake me not; until I have shewed thy strength unto this generation, and thy power to every one that is to come.

Mentoring the next generation is a great need today. I’m not just talking about children and teens. Many couples and families are struggling today. The world philosophy has so inundated their thought processes that they have difficulty rightly discerning truth from God’s Word. Sometimes it helps if someone who has walked in their shoes offers to help them through their journey; to show them that following Biblical principles really does work; that God will be there for them even in what seems like their darkest hour. No, not everyone is going to want you interfering in his or her lives. However, if the Lord opens the door for you to encourage a couple or family, take the opportunity.

Psalm 92:13-15 ¹³ Those that be planted in the house of the Lord shall flourish in the courts of our God. ¹⁴ They shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be fat and flourishing; ¹⁵ To shew that the Lord is upright: he is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in him.

Have you ever wondered why some older people are “crotchety” and some are simply sweet? It all depends where they are planted. Some of the sweetest people I know are those who have spent their lives serving the Lord… and continue to do so even in their old age. As long as there is breath, you can still bring forth fruit to the Lord.

Isaiah 46:4 And even to your old age I am he; and even to hoar hairs will I carry you: I have made, and I will bear; even I will carry, and will deliver you.

What an encouragement that the Lord will continue to deliver us in our old age. Remember, God never changes. He is there for us in our old age as He was in our younger years. And, oh, what a thought that when we think (and maybe feel) that we can go on no longer, He carries us.

We have no excuse or reason for “retiring” from the service of the Lord. Right now, I am thinking of an older pastor whose body simply is failing. He is in and out of the hospital practically weekly. Although he acknowledges discouragement for his physical condition, he looks for those "divine appointments" of ministry wherever he is - hospital, dialysis, doctor's office waiting rooms. He knows that God has placed him in this task to reach those who may not be reached any other way. It is for us to be faithful to His work until He comes again or calls us home… regardless of our age or our physical condition.

2 Timothy 4:6-7 ⁶ For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand.⁷ I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith:

As Nathan talked to me about the last few days of this man’s life, Nathan said it was if the man knew his time on earth was done. He went into surgery knowing it was risky, but content that either way the surgery went, he was going to be fine. He awoke in Glory! Oh, to fight a good fight and finish what the Lord would have me to do. To hear the words, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.” 

Stay strong. Finish strong.

Teaching a Life of Excellence

This last week you may have seen the news story about the young man who was denied the bonus money in Final Jeopardy for misspelling the correct answer. He wasn't in the running to win the whole show, only for extra money. The uproar against host Alex Trebek and the show has been... well, I should say "unbelievable," but I'm afraid I'm not shocked.

In a world where kids are given awards for “best art project for Spring” or “best writing of the letter ‘A’” is it any wonder that we have kids who cannot handle disappointment and defeat? This is why I'm not, nor have ever been, a fan of "everyone gets a trophy" in little league. From what I’ve been led to understand, the same is now true for school end-of-year award ceremonies. EVERYONE must receive at least one certificate or trophy regardless of the insignificance of the “accomplishment”; the former ‘build-their-little-egos’ go-to “participation” award no longer suffices.

Sadly, I’ve seen this world philosophy filter into our churches as well. Children’s ministry award nights have become ridiculous. One church actually gave out “perfect attendance” awards for MISSING one or fewer club meetings. How can we then stand and teach of God’s perfection when we have clearly redefined “perfection?” Kids are far smarter than we give them credit. They do understand when we say one thing and do another which leads to confused kids. They know when they receive an award that is phony and insignificant.

Disappointments come. Failures occur. Someone just may be better at something than you are. Learning how to deal with these things as a child only helps them be a stronger less reliant on society adult.

I once misspelled a word on a Spanish test. Instead of a 100, I received a 98. The answer was correct, simply misspelled. A fellow student also misspelled the same answer, but received credit for it. (Their grade was not nearly as high.) I asked the teacher about it. Her thickly Cuban accented reply, "Melissa, you are such a good student. I expect better of you." That made a HUGE impact on me... not negatively, but to encourage me to live a life striving for the best, not perfection, but of excellence. (Thank you, Mrs. Richardson, for the life lesson!!)

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.

Proverbs 13:12

The purpose of “everyone should receive an award so that they don’t feel bad about themselves” sounds like a good idea. But, it only sounds like it. Satan is the great liar. He takes God’s truth and twists it ever so slightly to appeal to our sinful nature… without our realizing or identifying it. That’s what he did to Eve; it is what he does today.

No one wants to lose, but an award for doing nothing or for a mediocre performance, over time, will be more demoralizing than learning to deal with the loss, disappointment, and failure at the time that it happens.

Instead, let’s focus on what the Bible teaches regarding accomplishments.

1. Remember to do all to the glory of God. Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31

2. Work with a spirit of excellence in mind. Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest. Ecclesiastes 9:10

3. Our reaction to disappointments and struggles is a testimony revealing our character. …7b there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. 8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. 9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. 2 Corinthians 12:7b-10

4. We must be faithful in little things in order to receive greater rewards. His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord. Matthew 25:21

5. The Lord uses our disappointments, losses, and failures to His glory. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

6. Sometimes, God uses struggles to drive us closer to Him. 8 For we would not, brethren, have you ignorant of our trouble which came to us in Asia, that we were pressed out of measure, above strength, insomuch that we despaired even of life: 9 But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God which raiseth the dead: 2 Corinthians 1:8-9

Teaching our children these lessons when disappointments, trials, losses, and struggles come during the training years will net us adult children ready to move forward into the world with a strong sense of Who God is, who they are in Him, and a willingness to trust Him in both the good times and the bad.

The Offender and the Offended

At some point in our lives, someone has done something in which we felt we were hurt or betrayed. We felt that our “rights” were trampled upon. We may have actually been wronged, suffering loss in someway whether by a damaged reputation, loss of finances or by damaging relationships with those closest to us.

We were offended.

Conversely, at some point in our lives, we have been the one that caused hurt feelings or betrayed someone. We disrespected another making them to feel as if their “rights” were trampled upon. We did damage another’s reputation, caused an individual to suffer financial loss, or created a rift not only in the relationship between the two but also between that individual and others.

We were the offender.

Matthew 5:23-24 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest 

that thy brother hath ought against thee; 24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; 

first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.

In Matthew 5:23-24, we see that it is the responsibility of the offender to go make it right with the one offended. Notice, it says that if “thy brother hath ought against thee.” This would include offenses that may only be a perceived offense, a miscommunication, or misunderstanding. If we did sin against another individual or if we simply know that someone is upset with us, it is OUR responsibility to go to the person to make it right.

Those of us who were offended agree wholeheartedly with these verses. The offender should take responsibility because they are the one who sinned. After all, I didn’t do anything wrong. I was wronged. They hurt my feelings. However,…

Matthew 18:15 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault 

between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

As the one who was offended, we bear an equal responsibility in restoring the relationship. If someone offends us in some manner, it is OUR responsibility to go to that individual to restore the relationship.

So, what you are saying is that no matter if I was offended or if I were the offender, if there is a rift in a relationship I am responsible for trying to restore it?

Yes.

But, what if they don’t want to listen? What if they don’t want to make it right?

Matthew 18:16-17 But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. 17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

Matthew 18:16-17 are the verses that most people will jump to for an offense, regardless of the severity of the offense. However, we need to examine if the offense truly rises to that level, the level of church discipline. Often, it does not. We make mountains out of molehills. We blow up a minor disagreement into world war.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 8 Charity never faileth:

We must rely on charity (love) in these situations. Some offenses are so minor that we should simply let them go. Be the bigger person.

1 John 4:11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.

Nineteen times in the New Testament we are told to love one another usually, in context, reminding us that we are to love one another as Christ loved us. How can we possibly hold an offense over someone when God has forgiven us of so much more?

Proverbs 18:19 A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city: 

and their contentions are like the bars of a castle.

But, I’ve gone to them. They don’t want to make it right. They don’t want to restore the relationship.

Romans 12:18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

If we have done all we can to restore a relationship, whether it is to let pass the least offense or gone to the person in order to reconcile the relationship, then our final responsibility is to live as peaceably as possible with the individual. In some cases, it may mean simply staying away from the individual as much as possible. But if you must interact with the person, follow the principle found in the final verses of Romans 12.

Romans 12:19-21 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. 20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; 

if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. 

21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

We are imperfect beings. We are going to be hurt and we are going to offend others. It is our responsibility, regardless of which side of the situation we find ourselves, to shore up relationships. Why? Because we are brothers and sisters in the Lord. We must be an example to a lost and dying world of the love of Christ. We cannot accomplish that if we are bickering and fighting amongst ourselves, or are holding grudges and being unforgiving.

Ephesians 4:1-3 I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you 

that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called, 

2 With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering,  

forbearing one another in love; 

3 Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

Psalm 133:1 Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!